It was one night in April of this year (2016) as I sat in a cubicle in the local ER having deep cuts glued steri stripped and covered I was overwhelmed by guilt, shame and fear. I sat crying while being interviewed by the psychiatric emergency team. It was my third of 5 admissions to the emergency department in less than a month and my self harm was out of control! I had been on the downward spiral for a few months and my depression was at its worst.
A few hours earlier ..
My mate came over to find me sat on the living room floor numbed by shock with blood trickling from multiple slash like cuts down my legs. I scribbled a note to my father and then My mate rushed me to the local ER. And here we are …
So what was the result?..
The gruelling interview concluded after almost an hour and the psych team requested me to spend the night in a crisis respite/half way house. I said a tearful goodbye to my amazing mate who brought me here as he walked out of that hospital room looking overwhelmed as the nurse took me out to the car bound for the respite centre.
It was a sullen drive and I cried into my jersey sleeve the whole way ther and the nurse checked me in and left me in the care of the night nurse. I was shown the facility and my room, for the first time in my life I was nervous as hell as I wandered round the place. I spent the night colouring in a mandala picture that the nurse had given me and smoking my e cig with 3 of the other residents. Aswell as talking to my mate and parents.
Despite people asking me why I cut and what has caused my depression I’d shrug it off and act like I didn’t know but as I remember those nights I can now admit to others and ultimately myself that I was and still am struggling with my life as a result of parent separation and my life of being an outcast and I have done for the last 5 years since starting high school and it’s been watching me since and it recently has been consuming me – my every thought and moment and its destroying me from the inside out. A counsellor I was seeing told me I need to tell someone what was going on and causing this otherwise I wouldn’t see my 19th birthday which was 5 months away! I was truly devastated by his remark but knew in my heart he was right. I was deemed a suicide risk from then on!!
I spent that night wishing I could be upfront with those I loved but still when people asked in denial and I said nothing.
The next morning
My father picked me up and not surprisingly it was very awkward. I have always been super close with my father yet when he arrived all I could do was hang my head in shame as he asked me only one word
I shrugged and got into the car as he tried to ask the nurses the same thing. He was on a non disclosure so he got nothing. It felt like hours as I sat in the car overwhelmed by guilt and shame again as I traced the cuts under the dressings!
I wished I could tell someone why but I couldn’t. I realised though that I had to speak up before I ended up killing myself !
That night I learned the most important lesson of my life
The only way to save myself and those I love is to face the demon within!