Dear Little E …
As I lay awake at 4am broken and in so much emotional pain I only wish I had something more positive to say to you. I wish was able to tell you that life improved and you got better. There’s so many things I wish you knew and only wish I could have saved you from such pain.
I look at you so young and full of ideas yet so naive. You were a dreamer and you achieved anything you put your mind to. You thought life was rough then but you had no idea of what lay ahead of you. You were such a happy go lucky little person who took everything in their stride it saddens me that I know where you end up!
You often wondered how someone could be so sad that they could take a blade and slice up their skin? You never imagined that you’d be the one laying in that hospital bed as nurses glued and bandaged wounds. You wondered how someone could hate themselves so much that they would go to extreme measures to look “beautiful” and not seeing how beautiful they are ? You never imagined you’d end up so unhappy with your image that you’d be the one that binged till you purged which ultimately led to you being diagnosed as bulimic at just 18 years old. You often wondered how difficult it could be to talk about your feelings with those you love? You never imagined you’d feel so depressed, suicidal, ashamed and guilty that you’d fake smiles and lie just to avoid their questions. And you often wondered how someone could be driven up the wall that they feel like ending their lives? You never imagined that at 18 you’d face body dysphoria so badly that you’d attempt suicide by overdose and fight suicidal thoughts everyday.
I wish I could say you beat depression and made a miracle recovery but in fact you only got worse. The horrific voices of Mia run through your head every minute of every day, your arms and thighs scarred from those dark days and nights being left alone with blades and haunted by memories of a life you once lived and a person you once were.
Self harm is an addiction of the worst kind. It’s one you never thought you’d be trying to beat. It’s nasty game where you are both the abuser and victim, it’s the addiction that had me admitted to hospital more times than I’ll ever want to remember, it ended friendships and my relationship, it forced me to lie to those i loved and me as a person changed. I became so ashamed of myself that I stopped living the life i had and hid myself away and became withdrawn from those I was close to. When I had a bad day that blade was my crutch. I rue the day I started cutting because it hurt everyone myself included. I want you to know how much I regret it. I’ll be 26 days clean today and the urges only get stronger and it’s hard to cope without it. If I could turn back time I would. If I could change anything it would be that.
I wish I could hug you and tell you all will be ok but I can’t lie to you. It’s a bloody rough road but stay strong a very special person will walk into your life and save you from hell and you’ll know when you do because the soul connection is just so strong.