“Are you a boy or a girl?!”
A question I grew up hearing much to my mothers horror and my delight. My mother would meet curious strangers opinions with a horrified stare or she’d fire a remark back and this situation is where my story begins …
I was just 10 years old when I was diagnosed with alopecia areata (hair loss in patches) later alopecia totalis because within 6 weeks I’d lost 90% of my hair! Being so young the condition never really bothered me, despite my young age I did understand what was happening and why it happened to me. But there was one thing I never understood and that was
“Why does being referred to as a boy make me feel so content and why when my mother corrected them about my gender did I feel this frustrated ?”
In 2011 when I was 13 years of age I moved to an all girls catholic high school and it was around this time that I faced the biggest revelation of my life – not only did I not fit in anywhere – I was too tomboy, too military orientated, didn’t fit in with female peers and exhibited far too many masculine traits! My ability to confuse people with my gender, my lack of common interests (among my peers) my lack of ability to properly bond (due to never finding like minded individuals) and my fiery personality forced me even further into a corner and away from my peers all together . I fell into a deep depression and began to self harm and I was only 14 – undeniably I was incredibly different and it became a complex issue to my young mind and I lived in denial over the truth for years, maybe I wanted to forget or maybe I just didn’t want to come to terms with it.
I spent years in denial and felt like my life was a lie though I continued to live like that and the more I tried to fit in the more my oddities became harder to hide and the more depressed I became- that was until I met my partner Sophie! I had not long turned 18 when I met Sophie (Robert) on a dating site. She too lived in heavy denial about her gender identity- i had finally found a like minded individual.
But after spending years in denial I believe I finally got my come uppance. I was 18 years old and becoming increasingly depressed about the subject that had taunted me for most of my teenage years. Spending more time with Sophie only made the issue more prominent and April was the worst month I’ve ever had to live through and quite honestly I’m so lucky that Sophie was there to support me. 6 hospitalisations in only one month for self harm related complications which included stitches glue violent convulsions and even winding up spending a night in an inpatient respite unit!!
That night I realised I had to front out my feelings and stuff before I ended up killing myself and that’s exactly what I did. First I came out to Sophie then my parents and my older sister and a few close mates. An unsupportive mother made things difficult though . I don’t know where I fit in as far as society is concerned but I don’t care what people think of me anymore and I no longer identify as a gender. I wouldn’t care if I’m gender fucked for a while until I work out where I fit in I’m only 19 and have my whole life ahead of me to explore life work myself out and Sophie (my never ending support who’s been there through everything from tears and psychiatrist visits to self harm and wound repairs) by my side.
I have a secure part time job, a hobby (an interest in acting – being accepted by a big talent agency and cast as a film extra for an NZ film being released next year). 2 new siblings from my mothers new relationship (older sister and a brother a year younger than me) and an 18 month old niece, an amazing partner, a career aim and my whole life ahead of me .
I can’t wait to see what the future holds and I dream of the day when Sophie and I can move in to our own flat,have successful careers and eventually have a family of our own. To be able to say we have survived the worst day of our lives and despite being gender fucked raise a family!!
Sophie I love you so much and you have changed my life for the better. I’ll love and protect you forever.