**Possible trigger warning**
Part 3 – this post talks about the 4 days I spent in a residential respite unit following a suicide attempt by overdose. Please note that I have little memory of the Tuesday (December 13) and Wednesday (December 14) which leaves me relying on text conversations and my loved ones so apologies if this blog post is so long and a little muddled. I’m trying my best
I hate being called strong, I’m not strong okay. If I was so strong I would never have picked up that blade and cut myself, I would never have swallowed those pills attempting to end my life. I certainly never would’ve started skipping meals because someone called me fat and I wouldn’t have started this stupid cycle of self destruction. So no I’m not “strong”, I’m far from it actually. Overdosing, cutting my thighs, faking smiles, drying my eyes, hating myself, hating my life- welcome to my world of lies. They told me life’s not going to be easy but they never told me it would be this hard.
Tuesday 13 December
Arriving at the residential respite unit
After checking in and being shown around I finally was shown my room. Feeling shaky on my feet and incredibly overwhelmed of the events of the past 24 hours (refer to the two posts prior to this) I insisted my mother leave. As I watched her drive away I was consumed by guilt – if I died last night she would have to tell my innocent young brothers that their big “sister” is never coming back,how would she tell them I died?, my partner would go to pieces, blaming herself for it, If we didn’t have the fight would I have attempted suicide?, my closest friends and colleagues would be left confused and trying to fill the void, would they blame themselves for never noticing? But ultimately my father would live with the regret of being just in the next room but totally clueless, would he blame himself for being distant or not talking to me at the time? Would he blame himself for never noticing when I took a fatal overdose and lied to him as I took off for the last time?
I fell to my knees and cried my eyes out. A nurse found me and came in to talk. I told her my fears about my girlfriend and all the other things that were going on in my life. The rest of the day passed in a bit of a blur .. I spent most of the day vaping and sitting alone outside worried about life, I didn’t eat today and then took my meds and went to bed, crying myself to sleep wishing she’d contact me and trying to remember yesterday which I can’t really remember much about. My risperidone seemed to lull me to sleep. In the risperidone haze my body had the familiar spasms as my thoughts began to slow down and next thing I knew .. my world went dark..
Wednesday 14 December
Day 2 – Still can’t remember
A hazy memory of the last two days and heavy eyes from meds, I got out of bed, showered, took my morning meds and daddy came to drop off more meds and e liquid for my vape. I could see him staring at my scars or looking at me like I was gravely ill and it was killing me. He left about 1/2 hour later and I went and sat in my favourite place for a few hours – vaping and colouring in. I made a friend and we talked for while. Feeling wiped out from the meds and overdose I dragged myself back into bed and had a nap.
The nurse from psych emergency came out and did an assessment on me – I’m stuck here till Saturday! This feels like a prison sentence. My best friend/close work colleague came to visit for little over an hour and it was nice to catch up. She was very supportive and promised she’d be back tomorrow with more lollies and V!! My friend that I made earlier had to be held by police and removed (taken to psych ward) because she went off the rails and had a major meltdown. This is when I had my visitor so we stayed in my room. An old army cadet sergeant was visiting a relative and wound up buying me smokes and we talked.Then My big sister arrived after my friend left and we smoked weed and took selfies. She stayed about an hour. Was so nice to know I had so much support.
After my sister left I began to hear malicious voices and seeing faceless shadow people. I was slowly going off the rails believing I was the spawn of the devil and I was going so psychotic- I kept seeing faceless shadow people and my beloved Sophie and I was becoming so suicidal and meds weren’t helping.
It was late in the evening and I don’t remember or have any recollection of the next few hours but I know the unit had to phone psych emergency and the police. I was put in handcuffs and restrained. I shouted all sorts of insane expletives and insults as I sat handcuffed to the officer as the psych nurse (psych emergency) attempted to calm me down.They gave me an extra 2mg of risperidone. Very doped out I was unable to react but the voices tormented me.
After a gruelling time with the police I must’ve fallen into a deep sleep because next thing I knew I was being woken by the staff (around 00:45 hours) for my night meds bringing my dose to 4.5mg. I cried as fear and panic had me in its grips as the shakes took over and my world turned to black…
Thursday 15 December
Day 3 – My Realisation
I woke today around 09:30hours and my day began with me realising – that an arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards, just like when life’s dragging you down with it’s difficulties it’s about to launch you into something great. Well that’s what I’m hoping anyway.So on that note I got up and grabbed my stuff and headed towards the shower.
After a nice hot shower I wandered back into my room and sat down and spent little over an hour colouring in before going for my meds. After that I headed out to the garden for a smoke (about 11:30hours).I can’t say I’ve had much of an appetite since coming in here and I haven’t eaten anything except a packet of party mix and since Shan left I’ve been incredibly lonely. I went through another packet of smokes and used about 3 tanks of e liquid. I don’t talk to anyone in here so it’s very quiet and Im not allowed my iPod since my meltdown so I spend my time colouring and smoking. I also try ringing my girlfriend but she never answers the phone or my texts anymore and I no longer find relief in her voicemail recording – I just end up in tears. Will my baby girl ever talk to me again?
I sat in the garden smoking away until about 14:45hours. Being stuck in my mind is a very dark place and if you knew the secrets I’m hiding it’d probably break your heart. I went back into my room and had a short nap. Sleep is no longer peaceful, my dreams have turned to nightmares and as time ticks on I face the reality that I could be leaving here a single woman and Sophie will walk out of my life forever, or worse may have happened to her by now I guess I’ll never know. That breaks my heart more than anything else. I woke up in a cold sweat on the floor wrapped in a blanket with tears streaming down my face- I found myself running for the shower and hoping I’ll be ok for my visitor arriving. I just got tidied up and hung my towels up before my favourite colleague arrived. (about 17:15 hours)
We sat in my room talking about work colleagues and life outside of here. She brought me a block of chocolate, party mix and a bottle of V. We sat on my bed talking and laughing she’s a brilliant distraction while I’m stuck here and She sat with me till near 1900 hours. I’m so grateful for her support!! When she left I drank my V and wandered down to the kitchen where the other 4 residents were having dinner. I’m the youngest of 5 residents (I’m 19 and the others are 40+).
I was so nervous to eat and scared to be alive that the second I put one spoonful of mashed potato near my mouth, my stomach did a backflip. I spent the next 1/2 hour pushing my food around my plate. I’ve never been with people and felt this alone, quiet and scared.When everyone was finished I headed back to my room, by now it was about 20:00hours, I rolled another 13 cigarettes and filled my vape up. Then I headed outside to my favourite spot in the garden and smoked away, I sat there thinking about life. Next thing I know darkness set in (as I was finishing my vape) I tried Sophie again but when it went to voicemail I had a huge meltdown. I headed in about 23:15 hours in tears. I had my risperidone and crawled into bed the world around me slowed down, my body crashed and the world turned to black…
Friday 16 December
Day 4 – An early release
With grace for good behaviour she got out before her time her mates and her neighbours told her she was looking fine. But she’s feeling several years older and her memory is rather slow, her father said “you’d think she was dead just like Marilyn Monroe!”
I woke up around 08:00hours and headed for the spa. Lounging in the bubbles that floated in the hot water all alone I realised that I didn’t belong in here, I realised I had to get the hell outta this place. Determined that today would be the day of an early release, I knew just what I had to do. After a nice long soak I crawled out of the spa and looked at the time. It was little after 09:00 hours, I chucked on my singlet and jeans and headed for the office. I spoke with staff and had a conversation with the guy from psych emergency who gave me permission to leave.
Running from the office I called my mother and she agreed to pick me up. I packed my belongings into my backpack, rolled some smokes and headed for my favourite spot for the final time. Smoking a few rollys and enjoying the sun I finally mumbled a hello to an older resident and then headed inside. My mother arrived around 11:00 and we headed off bound for my post OD checkup!
Still no word from Sophie and that breaks my heart more than anything else but I hold on to hope that she’ll reply soon. Each day it’s all I wish for, I’m losing hope but I have to be strong. This is the biggest battle of my life and I am slowly learning to live my life after the overdose that almost killed me. Hoping to father satan that Sophie will answer and all will be ok. But for now I live with the looming storm clouds of the unknown and a heart filled with sadness, regret,pain and darkness.
I’m sick of crying, tired of trying, yes today I’m smiling but inside I’m dying. Deep inside where nothing’s fine I’m slowly and psychotically going out of my mind. I used to fear depression, now I look into that mirror and want to smash it to pieces. I’ve put on so many fake smiles that I really don’t have any self confidence, I’m convinced that everyone will abandon me and I hate this place, I now understand why I hate it because of it I realise that the difference between you and me is that when you wake up your nightmare ends.
Picture attached is of the place I spent most of my time smoking and relaxing during the days I spent in respite