I remember when I was younger and I learned about eating disorders, self harm, depression and other mental health problems in health class and I would wonder how people could do that to themselves. Yet here I am at 3am debating whether or not to take my own life. I know I’m fat,ugly, disgusting, stupid, pathetic, not important, a poisonous waste of space- I don’t need reminding! And that’s how it begins suddenly the mirror showed me that I’m fat, my wrists and thighs became paper, my scales became the enemy. Suddenly pencil sharpeners became weapons, my pillow was soaked in tears, I felt worthless, the sight of blood brought relief, sleep was my escape, mealtimes were like death sentences, suddenly before I knew it – my life was ugly!
It’s such a shame that as a little girl I actually believed in fairy tales but recently I have been struck by a nightmarish reality with demons in my mind and a fear of never being good enough. I’m the kind of person that liked to draw, drawing pictures that nobody saw. I was most creative late at night in a dark place far from sight, I had a secret that no one else knew, without telling a soul my gallery grew. My drawing were unique- no paper or pen but I needed a bandage now and then. I stood by the river with her under the setting sun, I rolled up my trousers and showed her the scars feeling humiliated I looked at the water so blue. She rolled up her trousers whispering “yeah, me too!”
My battle with self harm and suicidal thoughts and ideation hasn’t been an easy road. Despite being little over 2 months clean from cutting I’d be lying if I denied thinking about it. The urges are so strong and relentless sometimes that it takes all my strength to ignore them. These last two days have been particularly painful and I can see it’s eyes staring into mine like a battlefield and I’m on the losing side. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not suffer with mental illness, I wonder what life would be like if I wasn’t reliant on medication to function, to experience life and the world like all my friends, to not be constantly depressed, anxious, paranoid, sleep deprived, psychotic and upset and ultimately not be awake at 3am because faceless shadow people maliciously loiter around you and the voices lulling you to your eternal sleep. The heartbreaking thing for me is watching some of my friends and loved ones suffer as a result of my illness because they want to help but don’t know how and also knowing that others see my pain as they watch my illness consuming me and blatantly turn a blind eye because I’m too difficult for them! I often wonder what life’s like where you don’t spend your time thinking about how to make everyday items into weapons to harm yourself or when you don’t have to constantly carefully consider your choice of wardrobe because your arms and thighs are badly scarred. So to those of you who look at me like I’m an attention seeking piece of shit I’m not – don’t judge me because if you knew what goes on everyday inside your head you’d understand why I feel the way I do. I have so many painful secrets and memories that if you knew it would break your heart.
Tonight when I was feeling really suicidal, like I was all alone and debating whether or not to end my life I found myself listening to my girlfriend talk in her sleep she said “I love you baby I can’t live without you” and “promise me “. It really hit me so hard I began to imagine my parents having to explain to my younger brothers what had happened to me – I was supposed to protect them and be a role model not abandoning them. My colleagues at my horror job trying to fill the unique gap that I occupied, my single father having to clear out my room and forever wonder what he did so wrong and leave him forever wondering why. But ultimately my girlfriend who saved my life so many times and stayed by my side through everything would wake up to find my lifeless body- I stopped there and broke down. Remembering the pain I felt two years ago when my best friend killed himself and that pain is still so raw – like it only happened yesterday- that’s how she’d feel, she’d spend her life regretting falling asleep tonight and wondering if she could have done something to help, she’d be haunted by the memories that she’d relapse and probably end her life. I couldn’t do that to her, or my siblings or my father. I collapsed in a fit of tears and hugged her tightly- she’s saved my life again. I love her to death and I couldn’t hurt her or anyone I love that badly!
I realised I’m not alone just trapped in my mind which is, in itself a battle of the most brutal kind.