This is part one
**Trigger warning **
It’s really sad how some days I seem to have everything going right and the within moments I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for. I spent a whole year convincing myself I was getting better, that I was recovering, but then I realised I’m no better than I was a year ago and that I can’t even handle myself anymore!
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a few days and I started planning it in the unit but couldn’t bring myself to talk about it till now. Everyday got harder, like a nightmare progressing on. Each day another desperate plea echoed from my tired bones begging death to take me now!, everyday I closed up more and the burden became impossible to bear as I felt myself die some more. I’d lay there wondering what grisly way I would leave this hell because I’d never felt so much pain!
At 5 years old she wanted to be a vet, At 8 years old she wanted to be a psychologist, At 10 years old she wanted to be a mortician. But at 13 years old she wanted to be invisible , At 16 years old she wished she was dead. However At 19 years old she attempted suicide for the second time and that time she almost succeeded …
and this is where my story begins!
I was never scared of suicide or death – only what would happen to me if I failed.
Summer 2016. December 12
A ghastly fight erupted between my partner Sophie and I which ended in me packing up my stuff and her driving me home to my place and numerous harsh words thrown around and spat at each other in retaliation. Upon dragging my gear out of her car and screaming it’s over I was numb with shock. I wandered inside feeling so lost as I unpacked some stuff the shock began to wear off as the depressing suicidal thoughts kicked in.
Rage hit me like a thunderstorm and I lost all control. Psychotic images filled my head and It was like My mind had been consumed by evil as eyes that weren’t mine spied 2 bottles of lorazepam laying amongst my underwear in a drawer! Before I could comprehend what I’d done I’d swallowed 30mg of the lorazepam as I stumbled back into reality panic set in, contacting Sophie with no reply and convinced it was over I packed my backpack and headed out the door, lying to my father saying that I was staying with my friend.
I drove as quickly as I could to the local ER in utter panic. My life flashing before my eyes as I parked up, I was dancing with death as the reaper reached out for my hand. Determined my relationship was over and I had no real reason to live I pulled the almost full pill bottle out of my pocket and swallowed the last 15-20mg of lorazepam like it was candy. Euphoria hit me as chronic hallucinations kicked in and I realised that the end was almost upon me and that was when Sophie replied it dawned on me that I’d made a grave mistake.
Panic consumed me as I stumbled through the parking lot psychotic images and sounds seemed to encapsulate me as the world around me became hazy and my breathing got slower, I was convinced I was going to die. Tears trickled down my pale lifeless face as I staggered through the doors and into the ER!
I managed to mumble my name, age and situation to the triage nurse whose eyes only widened as I sobbed out of fear and panic. As I checked in at reception the nurse shouted something to the nurses in the triage department. I staggered and stumbled to an empty seat alone and scared, I noticed the pandemonium around me fading out as the sound of a heart monitor flatlining filled my ears, my breathing slowed as did my heartbeat. I realised the end was close, one final image filled my mind – my beautiful girlfriend, and her voice saying goodbye. It all happened so quickly and next thing I know, the flatlining pierced my ears as my world turned to black ….