Society had spoken and nobody cared. She cried all alone for it’s a truth he struggled to bear, she bled most nights when no one was there she believed not one person would truly care, she tried her hardest to just remain here. She downed 50 pills and was sent to a chair, in the ER shedding her final tears. She took one last breath, when she collapsed from that chair she embraced death. Please understand I kept this a secret for a reason – because the truth is worse than any lie I told to cover it up.
Behind my smiles a hurting heart, behind my laugh I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see the person I became .. isn’t really me. I just hate myself, every single thing about me is horrible – I literally have no motivation to save myself anymore.
Tuesday December 13 2016
06:17 hours – 12 hours later
I could hear the sound of urgent chatter somewhere close by as my hazy vision lifted. I slowly began to understand the scene I found myself in – I was in a hospital bed and alone in a cubicle. Wires attached me to a heart monitor, a nasal cannula was jammed up my nose, a sharp IV cannula lodged in the back of my hand and a gown draped loosely around me. Panic hit me as I struggled to remember a weak yet terrified scream escaped my mouth. Nurses came running as tears cascaded down my pale cheeks “Emily ..” she said “..it’s ok”. She asked me what was wrong and I asked her what had happened since the last memory I had was 12 ish hours ago.
Reality hit me, I was paralysed by fear and tortured by vague memories as she explained that after I checked in I fell to the floor and remained unconscious/stopped breathing. I had an IV cannula inserted into the back of my left hand and I had to be resuscitated and have my stomach pumped and they’ve been monitoring me ever since. Tears silently spilled from my eyes as she left, I reached for my phone and called in sick at work. I honestly can’t remember what I said in that message but Within minutes my supervisor (my mother) had immediately phoned me back in tears and was on her way to the hospital.
Emotions swept over me as I lay alone in that bed. There was that odd melancholy feeling and a sense of guilt I couldn’t deny. My memory was hazy and I drifted in and out of consciousness before my mother flew through the curtain. Ashamed and speechless as she spoke softly to me and assured me all will be ok. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and whispered “I don’t have the words to make it right or you feel better, but I do have the arms to hold you, ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about and I have a heart that’s aching to see you smile again my baby”. It was at this moment that I realised how close I came to death and how lucky I am to be here right now. I lay sobbing as I began to text my girlfriend.
Approximately 09:45 hours
I was consumed by guilt and swept up in emotional pain as my case manager arrived. She suggested I go into respite care. After a chat she left and shakily I got up and dressed myself. The cannula was removed and I was discharged. I still hadn’t heard from my girlfriend and it was breaking my heart.
When you’re heart has been shattered in to a million pieces, which piece do you follow?
As we pulled out of the parking lot bound for the residential respite unit, I still hadn’t heard from her and still feeling scared, sad and full of guilt. I felt bad for hurting myself but worst of all I’ve hurt my loved ones. Consumed by nerves as I wondered what the week would bring and whether my relationship with my beautiful girlfriend would survive.
**Part 3 Coming Soon**
Lately I’ve been pretending like everything’s ok and that everything around me hasn’t collapsed. But this morning I woke up and realised I was the only one who relapsed. Scars on my wrists, scars on my thighs, eyes full of hurt and a mouth full of lies.