Loneliness, depression, isolation, self harm and suicidality are just some emotions I’m all too familiar with. Music has saved my life but one song in particular resonates with me and the lyrics below are from my favourite song by Blaine Larsen which is called  “How Do You Get That Lonely?” I’d highly recommend listening to it and the music video is just so moving.

The song holds so much significance to me, so much so that I re wrote my own version and as I post the lyrics I will also share my version – which so happens to be based on my life and suicide attempt.

(The lyrics in bold are the original lyrics)
“How Do You Get That Lonely”

It was just another story printed on the second page

This is not your average story that makes the Facebook page

Underneath the Tiger’s football score

An experience that rocked them to the core

It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age

She was just nineteen years old, should’ve been making memories at that age

They found him face down on his bedroom floor

Instead she lay unresponsive on the hospital floor

There’ll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
There was a meeting the next morning concerning placement in a residential home

Then out on Mooresville highway, they’ll lay him ‘neath a stone…

Within minutes of that meeting she was taken there by  mum…
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad

How did I become this lonely? What drove me to do that?

To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all

I impulsively made a choice that not having a life at all

Is better than the life that you had

Would be better than hell that I’m in

How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go

I just felt so lonely I chose to let everything go

How do you get that lonely… and nobody know?

When did I become this lonely .. and how did not one of them know?

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?

Was it cos her Aunty had disowned her that she started stockpiling pills?

Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?

Was it a night of drugs and alcohol?

Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?

Is it cos her daddy never said “I truly love you Hun?”

Did no one see the writing on the wall?
I’m not blamin’ anybody, we all do the best we can

Did no one notice the warning signs? I’m can’t be blaming any of them they’ve tried as hard as they can

I know hindsight’s 20/20, but I still don’t understand…

The mind of a suicidal person is something nobody understands
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad

When did I become so angry? That I started to see red

To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all

It’s not like I chose the road that not being alive at all

Is better than the life that you had

Would be better than the situation I’m in

How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go

I just felt so revolting and impulsively just let go

How do you get that lonely… and nobody knows

How did I attempt suicide and not of them know?

It was just another story printed on the second page

It’s one of those suicide stories that never makes the Facebook page

Underneath the Tiger’s football score…

It just shook them  to the core…

Depression and suicidality are such cruel punishments, there’s no fevers, rashes or blood tests to send people running in concern, just the slow erosion of yourself, as insidious as a lethal disease like cancer. But just like cancers it is essentially a solitary experience where your all alone fighting something that will inevitably kill you anyway, like a room in hell with only your name on its door. Yes there is a hell – believe me I’ve seen it. I’m just not me anymore. How  did I go from a happy go lucky kid to … this? So when I die don’t come to my funeral and cry – I’ve been dead inside for such a long time.

Dear everyone I love

I literally have zero motivation to save myself these days, this disease is like a cancer and it’s destroying me more than you’ll ever know and if it kills me tonight  please no I’m not scared of death, I’m ready to die

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