This is a victory that a year ago seemed impossible! Today is Friday 6th of January 2017 and today marks being 3 months clean from cutting. I am so sorry for all that I’ve put you through, the stress, the worry, nights in hospital/respite, the unknown.
I know it’s not easy for you raising a teenage girl who suffers with major depressive disorder with psychotic features, anxiety disorder, severe self harm, suicidality,bulimia nervosa and borderline personality disorder. But despite all of that you’ve loved and supported me through it, daddy I see you looking at my scars, you don’t know how to approach it but you want to know you just don’t know how to ask, you pretend like nothing’s wrong but please understand I was in a lot of pain and I never meant to hurt you!!
Sometimes when I tell you “I’m ok” you look me in the eyes and say “I know you’re not”. Daddy you’re my hero, my inspiration and the person I want to become. I hope to make you proud one day, to continue the legacy of that young troublesome sergeant that you once were. Your life story from the lonely abandoned child, to a troubled teen, you became a soldier in your teens and served in various regiments and deployments in 15 years. Somewhere in the mix having 5 kids aged between 7 and 28 and now you’re a single father raising me and two young boys (7&9 years).
I feel terrible for the hell I have put you through of recent months especially my suicide attempt December 12th (2016). I’m so sorry for that, the lies, the secrecy and not letting you in as mental illness stole me from you. You could only watch helplessly as I slowly went off the rails yet You’ve given me the greatest gift of my life- you believed in me when everyone turned away. You are my inspiration to recover and when I have my own babies I hope I’m at least half the parent you are, the one they’ll be inspired by, and proud of. You’re my legend and my hero , I can’t wait to begin this journey of recovery with you by my side then eventually have my own wee family then to carry on your legacy.
I know I’ve left so many questions regarding the attempted suicide, recurrent extensive self harm and so on unanswered and because of you I’ll recover and one day have the courage to speak out. I can see the pain in your eyes as you look at me and my scarred body and the emotional scarring on your soul. I just hope you too recover.
You think that when I took that blade to my skin I’d be in a panic, crying, screaming, hyperventilating and uncontrollably sobbing. But it’s not always like that , when I feel my skin split in two and see my life’s essence leave my body is when I feel most calm.
Thanks for always being there for me, being my number one supporter and ultimately forloving me as your daughter.
I love you so much Daddy
Your baby girl
You cut deeper in the hopes that just maybe you can reach the darkest depths of your startled soul or run your fingers along scarred skin that was once perfect and pure. And perhaps if you break your frail bones along the way and blame it on the past you realise the pattern of self destruction ruined your life and because of that it destroyed life as you knew it but worst of all it destroyed you. Only a few of you will understand because it’s a subject many people won’t, many won’t understand how much anger, how much self hatred one must have to take a blade to themselves and tear their own skin apart.
There is two songs that are so inspirational and hold such a sentimental meaning to me and they have played a rather large part in my recovery the first one is Lullaby ~ Nickelback and the other one is The Cutters Lullaby. A dear friend showed me these songs when I was younger and began self harming and became very suicidal. I never told anyone except her and she helped me through it by playing me lots of music to express her feelings and say the words she couldn’t. Below are the lyrics to the cutters lullaby, it’s a very powerful yet true message to anyone suffering with self harm and suicidal thoughts/ideation. As a young guy left physically scarred from extensive self harm and a survivor of two attempted suicide by overdose. It really sums up the feelings I’m experiencing lately.
Go to sleep and close your eyes
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn
You know the pain that they’ve endured
Silver metal shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right
Dream of that blood trickling down
And wake up just before you drown
The moonlight shining off your tears
As you bleed out your worst fears
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutters lullaby
Hushabye baby you’re almost dead
You don’t have a pulse and your pillows red
Your family hates you, yout friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife, cause thats all you need
Rockabye baby, broken and scarred
You didn’t know life would be this hard
Time to end the pain you hid so well
And down you go baby
Straight back to hell