I tried so hard to get better, to overcome this, to forget it all and move on. I honestly thought I was getting to the stage of recovery where I could say “I’m feeling a lot better!”But right now – I couldn’t feel any worse!
Sometimes I find myself crying in a corner wishing to go home. Then I realise I am home but I’m not happy here. I’m so fucking homesick, but I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist.
Don’t you hear them? The whispers and screams? They taunt me you know. My name echoes in my head. They tell me things like I should be locked away for no one to hear. They mock me, like when I come across a blade they scream “Cut yourself”. They make everything sound so easy but at the same time make things a thousand times more complicated. They’re always there and they never leave. They become part of you and they are purely frightening – it’s constant torture! It’s not what they say, what they tell you to do, or the fact that they never leave that’s terrifying but the most frightening part is that the voice that’s taunting you is your own!
When you’re a cutter you have a new but very warped perspective on life. You start to notice different things, like how some people wear long sleeves and pants on the hottest days, you notice red cuts when bracelets slip down a scarred arm or vacant empty eyes when they tug away if someone grabs their wrist and you just glance around the room desperately searching for scars that match your own!
Don’t you dare tell me that I’m beautiful until you’ve seen the marks etched into my skin and the ones on the inside, on my heart that I hide. Don’t you dare tell me I’m strong until you’ve seen me break down and fall apart time and time again and cry till I have no tears left. Don’t you dare tell me that I’m a kind/caring person until I shut you out completely and push you away because I’ve convinced myself that you’ll abandon me- just like everyone else has. Don’t you dare tell me “it’s only temporary- you can get through this” until you’ve seen my inner torment – deep in my mind and demons that refuse to be silenced.
But if you have seen that other part of me – the scars,pain, insecurities and all the bitterness I hide. The voices that whisper during the day and scream during the night. The darkness that lurks. behind my false smiles and you still stay by my side and think that I’m beautiful and strong then maybe, just maybe I’ll believe you!
But you see the difference between us is that when you sleep or wake up your nightmares end…..