I tell people I’m tired, but in fact I’m depressed. I tell people I’ll be fine tomorrow, but I know tomorrow will only be worse. I tell lies everyday and I know one day I won’t be able to stop myself. You know exactly what you’re doing and that’s what hurt me the most.
Dear Little E,
February 6th marked the fourth month clean from cutting and this is a huge achievement. That hasn’t been an easy journey and I only wish I could’ve protected you from this hell that you found yourself in, but please understand everything happens for a reason and your illnesses don’t define you – your strength and courage does.
I only wish you didn’t have to suffer the heartache of abusive relationships at the hands of lovers with empty psychotic eyes and hearts full of lies and deceit. You suffered the biggest loss when you were just 7 years old- your brother left for good. He’s 5 years older than you! You were never told why and you spent the next 10 years blaming yourself for him leaving and that just breaks my heart. When I think of those days all I can do is cry, Do you know I still carry a photo of him holding you?Then only last year did the biggest betrayal of your life come to light, only 3 months after your parents separated, did a psychic reveal to you that you have a (half) sister and she’s now 29! She was adopted out at birth and legally adopted at age 5. As excited as you were to finally have a big sister, you were just heartbroken that the two people who were supposed to love and protect you have just committed the ultimate (19 year long) betrayal.
Little E, I look at the innocent being you once were and I can’t help but cry. This cruel world awaited you, rigged with deceitful lovers, the abyss of mental illness, a roller coaster of emotion and shame, humiliation, and disappointments. You lost your way in the maze of life. Blades became your friend, your only escape, you lied to those who stood by you, your days revolved around forcing yourself to do the mundane domestic chores, taking pills and either sleeping all day or battling insomnia. You went to war with yourself every moment of every day and even staying alive was a constant battle. Your thighs and arms became bloodied and scarred as depression pulled you deeper into its never ending dark abyss. You became fixated on suicide and Mia’a voice eerily haunting you. Until you almost ended your life – two weeks before Christmas 2016.
You continue to think about and question your older brother Nick leaving and wonder if it’s really your fault, you wonder what life would’ve been like growing up with a big brother and having a role model, a mentor, a friend and it makes you wonder what your life would’ve been like, how different it could’ve been. But you then came to realise that you’ll never learn the truth. I haven’t heard from him since that day – at the age of 7 when I hugged him I never realised that day would be our last or that every night since then while the world is sound asleep you’d walk down memory lane with tears in your eyes and a heart that’s silently breaking. But its something I’ll never know now and can only wish that one day he’ll come home and we’ll be re united once more. I love you Nick and I wish you’d come home, reply to my message or letters or maybe even call me.
Anyways, your family could only watch in horror as their “baby girl” became someone they never knew – a monster. They could only watch in horror as mental illness stole you from them. Your mother and new step father frantically burst through the doors of the emergency room after your mother received the dreaded call at work. Your older sister, numb with shock was sent away from the ER by your mother and broke down in her car terrified she’d lost her only sister. Your two younger brothers wondered what happened to you, asking a million questions and quizzing everyone however no one could face telling them the truth. Your new step sister voice messaging you desperately trying to make you realise you’re not alone, telling you that she’s been where you are now and to keep fighting. Your partner Sophie ended up in respite too after learning what you did. Your father hated himself for not spotting the signs before you overdosed he blames himself for being distant and not checking on you. So many people care about you Little E and I only wish you had reached out to someone before you “fatally overdosed”.
I wish I’d called one of my sisters and told her everything or spoken to my father. I wish I’d gone for a walk or run or listened to my favourite song “Lullaby”. Instead you impulsively fatally overdosed and drove yourself to the hospital. But now all I can think is What if you’d died that night? Everyone would blame themselves.. Your mother- would be eaten alive by guilt, her only daughter dead, and she never knew you were hurting this bad. Your step father- despite only knowing you for 5 months and considering you as one of his own would be lost without you around. Your sister – would be heartbroken that after 10 years of searching for you and only having 11 months to bond with you would’ve lost you forever, she’s wonder if she could’ve done anything to protect you. Your step sister- would be devastated she considers you as the little sister she never had and would blame herself for not being there more often. Your younger brothers- would forever wonder what happened to you, why you abandoned them, broke your promise and never came home. Your older brother never got chance to know you and you wonder if he’d be upset about what had happened, would he finally come home? Your father – would go to pieces, the loss of his baby daughter would kill him. Your girlfriend- would lose her soulmate and wonder whether she could’ve helped you, she’d miss you more than anyone and it’d break her.
You never thought your life would turn into the nightmare that now haunts me. I know plenty of people say things are “a nightmare” – the roads are busy “it’s a nightmare!” They can’t un tie their shoelaces because it’s knotted and they’d only just cut their nails and “it’s a nightmare too!” – it makes you realise they don’t really know an awful lot if that’s their perception of a nightmare. I too, share your childlike reverie that one day your brother will come home and you’ll finally have the perfect family unit you always dreamed of. People have always admired your courage and independence and You never wanted to need someone, until you met Sophie and she changed your life forever. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you guys and I have so much hope for your future.
Bye for now
I thought I could go through life on my own but recently I’ve come to realise that even superwoman sometimes needed supermans soul!