Dear Little E

Well today marks 5 months clean from cutting! This is a huge milestone and I’m so proud of you for achieving this. But you’ve  certainly hands down entered the biggest battle of your life. I won’t lie to you kid it’s not going to be easy and everyday you’ll fight the urge to pick up a blade and viciously tear apart your already scarred skin. Everyday you’ll wonder if today is the day that mental illness pulls you into the abyss that you know all too well, whether it’s the day you succumb or another day you fight back!
I’ll tell you something Little E, recovery seems like a phase and relapses are frequent and inevitable and this is the only way I can make sense of it. I’ve been mentally ill for so long now that sometimes I don’t realise how bad it’s really getting anymore. Like I sit here and my anxiety is bubbling away like crazy and I’m like “this is fine”. When I’m contemplating suicide like “this is the norm”. I constantly shut down and isolate myself “how will I avoid XYZ today”. I walk around aimlessly, in a dissociated state without remembering what I’ve done that day and thinking “ooh Halloweens coming up” me it’s the beginning of February- like “for fucks sake”. This is my norm now, life as I know it and that’s why it feels like I’ll never recover.

Depression is the monster that slowly destroyed what should’ve been “the best years of your life”. A human being can survive almost anything as long as they have  the end in sight. But depression is so fucking insidious and compounds you daily, it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage but this insidious cage has no key, no escape and only one end. And that’s the thing about depression the unspoken words from someone who knows firsthand.

Little E the world has thrown you in at the deep end and many curveballs in the last few years, the foundations of your existence uprooted and everything turned upside down but rock bottom was the foundation upon which you have learned to rebuild your life. But my biggest fear these days is that everyone I love will eventually see me the way I see myself. 

I wish I could have taught you what I know now. But oh my god I’ll tell you something kid, it’s fucking bullshit when it’s 5am and the self loathing claws it’s way up my throats and rips itself from my mouth. In a silent scream, I’m alone, when I drove the blade across my skin and cut deeper I was alone, the only real thing is the tears flowing down my cheeks and I realise I’m alone. You often asked “what’s the scariest part?” Well the answer Little E, is not the feeling of loneliness or the never ending darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of the emptiness. But the scariest part is the realisation that you’ve lost yourself completely that sinks in as you lay awake at some ridiculous hour – you’ve lost the ability to sleep, you can’t even cry, you’ve lost the battle yet you don’t even care!

Sometimes you felt like ripping your skin apart and searching for the reason for your emptiness. Maybe your veins are tangled? Maybe something is lodged in your rib cage? Because something inside f you is missing or broken! 

Keep fighting Little E you have so much to live for, you and I share so many traits because of you I keep it all inside because I’d rather the pain destroy me than everyone else. A bird sitting on a tree is not afraid of the branch snapping because it’s trust isn’t in the branch but on its own wings. Please no matter what happens always believe in yourself and don’t let anyone take away your smile.

Today somebody asked me if I knew you, a million memories flashed through my mind that almost reduced me to tears, the what ifs, unfinished plans, abandoned dreams, the child you were and the person you never became, but I just hung my head and whispered  “I used to”

“Do you love me?” You asked and in my hesitation you found your answer because  in the end  you learned how to be strong alone and that is what will get you through kiddo, strength, courage and determination. Let no one think you gave in.

Stay strong kid

Hold On Pain Ends = HOPE
Love today, tomorrow and forever

Emmy

“Love your curves and all your edges, love your perfect imperfections”

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