I’m sensitive to the point where if you look at me strangely or don’t look at me at all, tell me to stop talking or don’t talk to me at all, ignore my text or ignore my call, whether what you did was an accident or you don’t realize you did anything at all it will change my mood for the whole day and my mind will be corrupted for the whole night! 😦

 

Dear Little E,

You were strong but not in the way people thought. You loved more than you’d ever get back and you knew it, yet you loved them anyway. Well ten and a half months clean from self harm and that’s such an achievement in itself. You got into a 3 week relationship with a mate of almost 5 years that you met back in the army cadets, despite his dodgy past and his life of crime and drug abuse (assault, burglary and crack) you once again believed you could be the one to save him but his violence and lack of emotion became too much to bear and you stood up to him and walked away from the relationship for good. I’m so proud of you for that and now you have another reason to stay clean, continue to change your life for the better and recreate your world. On August 8 2017 came the bombshell nobody, not even yourself saw coming,  in the Emergency Department of the local hospital, a routine blood test revealled that i was 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant! I know I’m no where near perfect but I am turning my life around for this child. Despite my own past and history of self destructive behaviours and impulsive decisions this child (as many clairvoyants has told you in the past two years) has become my saving grace!

I never planned for my life to turn out like this to be a pregnant at 19 and a single mother by 20 but now i have to grow up fast and actually sort out the mess I’ve made of my life before my child is born. Yes I sat there in that hospital bed speechless and my legs gave out as i stood up but I had the courage to stand up and made a promise to myself, to give up my life of bad decisions and I walked out of  the hospital that day and all the way to the botanic gardens and just cried. A million thoughts racing through my mind all at once and I’ll never forget it! It was a cloudy misty rainy day and I stared into the water,

 

What if the child has the same rare disease as myself? Could I really cope as a single mother at 20 years old with a medically challenged child?

What if one day when the child asks me who its daddy is or why he’s not in picture? Could i really face telling a child that it’s father is a violent drug addict and to protect it I left and never told him?

What if I fail my child? Relapses are inevitable with my mental health could I seriously be a good parent and look after a child by myself?

 

Then I realised something, as the butterfly – the symbol of my best mate landed beside me, so what if the child is medically challenged – I’d love it regardless! Being a single mother to a child with complex medical needs isnt easy but spirit only gives special kids to strong people!! So what if I have to tell a child the painful truth why it doesnt have a father – at the end of the day it’s safer without growing up around drugs, a life of crime and a violent thug! Every single parent or any parent at some point has a breakdown or thinks at some stage they cant cope but as long as the child knows you are actually trying.

Oh well it’s time for me to go now but you go girl! So proud of you 
All my love 

Emmy Jay 

Advertisements