Photo was taken 11 days before you died 😦

I was going to have a baby but I had an angel instead. I’m living every parents worst nightmare there is no pain like a broken heart of a grieving mother.

 

My darling Angel 👼

Braxdyn Nicholas
Passed away: 18:09:17

Date of birth: 20:09:17

Due date: 18:04.18
Missing you comes in waves and tonight I’m drowning.  I remember the first time I saw you so tiny and full of life,  and from that moment on my world changed for ever. But then I remember the first day without you and I have never been the same for I remember everything. On 18:09:17 when I heard the words “i’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat” The trapdoor opened and I fell. I don’t think anyone’s ever wanted anything the way I wanted you.

Brax, I never got to hear you cry I never got to feel you kick I never got to hold you close but I’ll never forget the moment your heart stop and mine was forced to keep beating. But darling if I could wish for one thing it would be to hear you call my name “Mumma!” Even if it was just one time. You are my favourite “what if?” Just because I let you go doesn’t mean I wanted to your wings are ready even though my heart was not.

I had so many dreams about you and me and our future together it was just going to be us against the world. I’m so sorry I couldn’t have saved you but no one truly knows how much I cried that day because I already miss the future I was supposed to have with you. I’m held captive by those memories and I’m at the mercy of that moment I knew you were gone you didn’t stay for long but in those precious few weeks you changed me for the better, forever!

But one day everything changed and my whole world was turned upside down my heart was broken into 1 million pieces my time with you was cut short I had so much left to teach you, to show you, to say to you. 1000 moments I took for granted because I assumed there would be 1000 more. Then I get this feeling in my heart slowly breaks because my memory loves you and enquires about you all the time. The day you died all the colours left my world – with you went so much of me and I’m haunted by a lifetime of wonder!

As I lay in my hospital bed tonight staring out at the moon beyond the stars I’m dreaming about you and what it would be like if you were here with me now. I will never understand what had to be you and not me! I’m broken it just hits me out of nowhere time seems to freeze like it’s been brought to a standstill and all of a sudden sadness encircles me. I feel helpless and numb to the world! I feel like I died with you but They just forgot to bury me! I would’ve sacrificed everything I’d have given my life to save yours!

When I pass through the veil the first thing I’m going to do is find you The second thing I’ll do is never let you go again! The veil may separate us today son , but nothing will ever change the fact you made me a mum! 💜

Love today, tomorrow and then forever…

🐛🦋Mummy 🦋🐛

The loss of a child is not just an event it’s an indescribable journey of courage and survival. The death of my son did not define me but it certainly changed me forever 💚
I’m the proud mummy of an angel 👼

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