**TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ **
Mentions domestic violence, abuse, gang and rape!
Your eyes watch me from within my dreams. Haunting me mercilessly, melting my being. Your silhouette piercing the darkness as I close my eyes once again. I’m forced to remember the pain that’s driving me so insane. Now all the time I seem to lose control, I can’t tell reality from fantasy. Intoxicated by your lies that still wake me up in the dead of night. This so called love was lost before it begun. You, the torturer,the ghost haunting me, wounding me and torturing my broken soul. Now all I can say is hopefully my screams will wake you from your dreams.
Many years ago I was trapped in an abusive relationship. I was almost 16 and he was going on 19. I was young, I was naive and I believed that he loved me and that I could save him from this life. He was in a gang – but they abused him, threatened and beat him. He took his anger, frustration and pain out on me. He would smoke and drink excessively that he became violent – beating me black and blue, threatening to hurt or kill me/my family if I didn’t give him what he wanted (sex, money ect) or do as he asked, he would run up huge bills he couldn’t afford, rob houses/shops ect – he even raped me! Not only was he physically abusive but emotionally too – he made me feel inferior, useless and unattractive among other things. But like many victims of domestic violence I felt trapped, scared to leave or seek help. But at the same time I was convinced that he loved me and I hated the gang beatings and how they treated him. I hoped to hell someone would be a hero and save him, but watched as they all walked away.
To this day I know I’ll have nightmares forever as regrets still haunt my hollow head as I sit here and scream “who the hell gave you the right?”. I have one message for all of you who put your two cents worth in over the years – Don’t you dare tell me it’s easy to leave an abusive relationship when you’ve never been in one! When I was with my now ex boyfriend I wrote this song for him it was pretty raw for me and expressed my emotion towards him. I was 15 when I wrote this and here it is:
” INNOCENT “
He picks up a knife he just wants to end his life. Everyday is a battle causing scars the way out seems so far. Nobody knows he’s abused and scared he lives each day in total fear. Everybody seems to stare, why can’t they see that something’s wrong? Maybe it’s been going on too long. Nobody saw the wrong he’s been suffering too long.
People think he’s strong so he just plays along. Scars curl round his wrists it’s a fucking gruesome twist, it’s worse than a voodoo spell and now he’d rather go to hell. He won’t let you see him cry or scream he’s just a one man team. Who gave them the right? Cos ..
*Chorus: A million tears remain unseen with all the bullshit in between. They’re treating him like shit and nobody seems to care a bit. This has made him go insane I now know he’ll never be the same. He doesn’t wanna live anymore he’s been shaken to his core. He gets beaten till he’s destroyed he’s just an innocent young boy. His world is turned to black he’s innocent, innocent *
His morbid silence is the loudest scream they like violence as a team. A burning lighter on his shaking hand and nobody even gave a damn. The flames they burn his flesh the blood stains are all fresh. He never wanted this strife now his best friend is a knife. How did he manage to fuck up his life?
* Chorus *
He won’t admit that he’s in pain he wished someone would realise it’s all a game. Among all of his tears are his deepest darkest fears. I can see the “save me” in his eyes and I can feel the pain within his cries. What gives them the right? Why do they force him to fight? They bruise his skin with shattering blows beating him senseless not even he knows. What has he done tonight to deserve those black eyes?
He became a victim to their abuse now he has no excuse when he met a tortured girl who had those kind of scars as well he then realised he wasn’t alone anymore he found a reason to keep fighting for
He stood outside her window on a dark rainy night. But he wasn’t alright the crashing gave me a fright . I had become his obsession when he put his knife in my possession because he is just 18 there’s only one place he wants to be.
We’ve seen him in a state he knows death is now a big mistake a family he will one day create. He will stand with his little boy and tell him it’s a weapon not a toy.
Weapons are not a toy you’re an innocent young boy. It’s a weapon not a toy you stupid little boy
Memories of his strife the images of the knife that almost took his life. Looking back through their dark morbid lives as memories fade into the night, behind their empty psychotic eyes.
I’m now no longer ashamed of my story, I’m hoping it will inspire others to ultimately break the silence for once upon a time I was the one that loved him even after the cheatings and the beatings! 🖤💔