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Musings of a Madwoman 🖤

It watches, it consumes, it destroys- A journey of soul searching and motherhood 🦋

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mental illness

First Letter To My Unborn Baby

 

The moment I learned I was pregnant, was when it dawned on me that I was responsible for another life. That became the moment I gave up on my lifetime of bad decisions and terrible habits and I chose to spend the rest of my life putting someone else before myself!

 

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To My Little Angel…

[08/08/2017 04.45 Hours]

It was a misty Tuesday morning in August and I lay in that hospital bed in the local Emergency Room – feeling like death, I had been admitted for suspected complications as a result of recurring tonsilitis that had plagued me all year. As i drifted in and out of a tormented sleep the doctor came in with an emotionless expression on her face and my patient file in her hand. I had only had blood drawn half an hour ago and results dont usually come back for at least 1-2 hours, My heart sank, “This cant be good” I thought as she closed the cubicle curtain, pulled the side rails on the bed up and sat down beside me. “Emily..” She began – my heart hammered – like it would rip my chest apart at any second. After all the injuries and illnesses I have overcome in my life was this finally the end?? Would I even be leaving the hospital today, and in one piece?

That doctor was about to drop the bombshell no one (not even myself) saw coming, the bombshell that would change my (and my whole family’s) life forever.

 

“… Did you know you’re pregnant?” – I sat in that hospital bed and for the first time in my life in total silence. So many things raced through my mind and so many questions I wanted to ask but the words wouldn’t come out. She continued to talk but my mind was in another universe altogether as I came to the conclusion that you’re life is more important than mine – and I’d go above and beyond to protect you. You are a part of me now and it’s us against the world. I was discharged sometime around  0730 hours – instead of  “infected tonsils/recurring tonsilitis” I was discharged with the diagnosis of “early teen pregnancy – high risk – maternal complex med. history”. I later learned I was 3 weeks 6 days pregnant. Crying from all the mixed emotions fear, excitement, shock and nerves hit me like a ton of bricks as I wandered out of the hospital and along the roadside in the misty rain.

In tears I shakily dialled my Mums number as I walked to the Botanical Gardens in the rain. she was shocked but very excited as were my two older sisters and my Dad. In the last few hours my world was turned upside down but this time for the better. You’re daddy is an abusive, violent, class A drug addict with rape, burglary and assault charges so he wont be involved in your life, however I met him 5 years ago, we became best friends and have been ever since he saved my life out at the military camp all those years ago he was 13 and i was almost 16. We aren’t together now but I have you – the memory of the young rebellious bad boy who saved my life (I had the bad ass rebel reputation too). I’ll be a single mum and I know that it wont be easy, but it doesn’t change my opinions or feelings towards you my little angel.Im now 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I love watching you grow at each ultrasound appointment and you’re just perfect. 2 weeks ago I saw your little heart beating and I fell in love all over again. Not everyday of this pregnancy is/will be easy but everyday brings me closer to holding you. I’ve been waiting for the last 7 years since I met you in spirit and everytime I saw you during those scans I’ve only fallen more and more in love with you! Because of you I’m staying clean from self harm forever – 11 months clean now and you’re my inspiration keep it that way forever!

Your Nana and Poppa are so excited and cant wait for your arrival neither can your uncles 8,10 and (18 step brother) (and your uncle Nick aged 25 who is estranged but I told him when I met him on the street and he was happy for me and is somewhat excited) and your aunties aged 29 (my half sister) and 23 (Step sister). But most of all I am counting down the days 214 days to go. I am dying to meet you, my miracle baby, sent from the cosmic cradle to be my saving grace. From the day I found out about you I just fall in love everyday. The butterflies your daddy used to give me have long gone but they turned into your little hands and feet. I never understood the meaning or purpose in my life until you came into mine, saved me and showed me how to live and love myself again – the two greatest gifts. As the sonographer tried to measure you, I lay there talking to you – you kept moving though and she couldn’t get exact measurements but she said you like listening to me talking to you! All this time I wondered – Can you understand me? Can you hear me my little angel?

 I left your father 6 days before I found out about you and even though I’ll be on my own raising you it’s best for everyone, just you and me it’s made me realise that it takes one special mumma to be a daddy too! You were certainly a surprise though you were never a mistake – your daddy was! You will be brought into this world as a result of an alluring mistake – when you’re mummy was just a young girl and you’re daddy couldn’t stay.

It’s just you and me against the world now kiddo!

Love Today, Tomorrow and then Forever

 

Mummy xox

 

Being a young mum means we met a little early, but it also means I get to love you a little longer. Some people said my life ended when I found out about you, But my life had only just begun – you didn’t take away from my future – you gave me a new one – and a reason to fight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ninth Letter To My Childhood Self

I’m sensitive to the point where if you look at me strangely or don’t look at me at all, tell me to stop talking or don’t talk to me at all, ignore my text or ignore my call, whether what you did was an accident or you don’t realize you did anything at all it will change my mood for the whole day and my mind will be corrupted for the whole night! 😦

 

Dear Little E,

You were strong but not in the way people thought. You loved more than you’d ever get back and you knew it, yet you loved them anyway. Well ten and a half months clean from self harm and that’s such an achievement in itself. You got into a 3 week relationship with a mate of almost 5 years that you met back in the army cadets, despite his dodgy past and his life of crime and drug abuse (assault, burglary and crack) you once again believed you could be the one to save him but his violence and lack of emotion became too much to bear and you stood up to him and walked away from the relationship for good. I’m so proud of you for that and now you have another reason to stay clean, continue to change your life for the better and recreate your world. On August 8 2017 came the bombshell nobody, not even yourself saw coming,  in the Emergency Department of the local hospital, a routine blood test revealled that i was 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant! I know I’m no where near perfect but I am turning my life around for this child. Despite my own past and history of self destructive behaviours and impulsive decisions this child (as many clairvoyants has told you in the past two years) has become my saving grace!

I never planned for my life to turn out like this to be a pregnant at 19 and a single mother by 20 but now i have to grow up fast and actually sort out the mess I’ve made of my life before my child is born. Yes I sat there in that hospital bed speechless and my legs gave out as i stood up but I had the courage to stand up and made a promise to myself, to give up my life of bad decisions and I walked out of  the hospital that day and all the way to the botanic gardens and just cried. A million thoughts racing through my mind all at once and I’ll never forget it! It was a cloudy misty rainy day and I stared into the water,

 

What if the child has the same rare disease as myself? Could I really cope as a single mother at 20 years old with a medically challenged child?

What if one day when the child asks me who its daddy is or why he’s not in picture? Could i really face telling a child that it’s father is a violent drug addict and to protect it I left and never told him?

What if I fail my child? Relapses are inevitable with my mental health could I seriously be a good parent and look after a child by myself?

 

Then I realised something, as the butterfly – the symbol of my best mate landed beside me, so what if the child is medically challenged – I’d love it regardless! Being a single mother to a child with complex medical needs isnt easy but spirit only gives special kids to strong people!! So what if I have to tell a child the painful truth why it doesnt have a father – at the end of the day it’s safer without growing up around drugs, a life of crime and a violent thug! Every single parent or any parent at some point has a breakdown or thinks at some stage they cant cope but as long as the child knows you are actually trying.

Oh well it’s time for me to go now but you go girl! So proud of you 
All my love 

Emmy Jay 

Eighth Letter To My Childhood Self 🖤

Whenever you feel like giving up, think about all the people who would love to see you fall. Even the devil doesn’t know what to do with a woman like you, the woman who just refused to  give up!

 

Dear Little E,

What a month, so many things are going on – and to make it to the ninth month clean from cutting! You’ll never understand how much anger and self hatred you had to take a blade to your own skin and tear it apart! You wanted someone to notice, but as soon as they did notice – you wished they never had. Since then, every time you wanted to cut, you remember the promise you made to them. You acted like it was nothing – but truly ? It was slowly destroying you. 

4am knows all of your secrets darling, but with broken wings you’ll learn to fly again! I see this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is, sometimes I think I know her, sometimes I wish I did, There’s a heart wrenching story in her eyes, lullabies and goodbye, as she vacantly stares back at me, I can tell she’s hurting inside. Don’t ask me for my honesty Little E, cos it’ll have you in tears. You’ll survive though kiddo, because ya know I always did. It’s something you could never understand and I can’t explain.

I say I don’t want to tell you about it, I actually do – but I’m afraid of your reaction – that you’ll never see me as an equal again. I’m afraid of the pity in your eyes as you realize how screwed up I am. I don’t want to be this way I’m so lonely and lost because all I ever wanted was to be loved, what’s wrong with me? I just want to connect, why can’t i connect with people?

They all  promised you they’d never leave you, but where are they all now? He learned your secrets, the torture you once endured and the stories behind your cuts, scars, burns and flaws and then…. he walked away, just like all the others before him! 

Your Father always told you “Be with the man who enjoys your madness, not the idiot who’ll force you to be normal”. I met a guy about a month ago and he became a good mate to you . I’ve spent every Sunday evening with him, watching movies, cuddling and talking about everything from life’s triumphs to life’s pitfalls and everything in between. He showed you the meaning of life and taught you how to love yourself and live again, and the most heartbreaking part of this story? – he has absolutely no idea that he gave you that reason to fight – he saved your life. Last Sunday we were sat on his couch  and he traced the scars on my arms and thighs, and looked at me with those piercing eyes as he pulled me close to him “You’re so beautiful” I was taken by surprise – most guys see my hideous scars and walk away and he called me beautiful. “If ever you feel that way would you tell me?” I hung my head , a million thoughts raced through my mind. Tears filled my eyes as the eyeliner smeared down my face “what’s wrong?” he questioned “Because, I’d rather hurt myself, than anyone else”

It was then that I realized that he has seen me for the woman that I am, not my illness or imperfections.  I’ve always had a thing for the wildflowers, the bad boys I never believed anyone could truly love me. But It was then  that I realized he actually sees me for who I am and vice versa. I’ve come to the realization recently that anyone can make you smile or cry but it takes someone incredibly special to make you smile when you already have tears in your eyes. This is what he has done for you, .It’s been a rough month but you’ve pulled through, people shouldn’t love you for your perfection, they should love you for the fact that you’re not.

I can’t wait to see what the month ahead is going to bring for you! Mental illness may have stole my life, friends, education, motivation, sanity but worst of all it stole me, but not this time I entered the most brutal battle of my own mind and took back the control. Even though the darkened abyss of mental illness stole what should’ve been the best years of your life  you came to realize that you want your own heart breaking story to be an inspiration to others, you want someone to look at you and say “Because of you, I never gave up”. Someone once told me that the people who’ve had horrific pasts ending up creating the best futures.

 

All in all Little E, this months advice for you: I’ve come to understand that while I’m in the company of those who don’t understand me that I was not put here on this earth to fit in to this chaotic world, I’m here to create my own. I’m searching for the one who’ll join me in my crazy, chaotic world and live with my insanity. I am embarking on the most intense journey in this realm and I don’t want to wonder alone, I wonder who   your soul mate is? I always believed everyone in your life has a reason to be there, whether to be a lesson, a friend or part of your soul family.

Stay strong kiddo. The worlds a scary place but it’s you’re oyster now and all the opportunities that’ll come to you- you have so many people that love and want to support you.

All my love

Emmy 🦋

 

Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy, remember that. I don’t fight because I hate the situation in front of me, I fight because I love those who are behind me. No one loves the warrior until the enemy is at the gate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seventh Letter To My Childhood Self

I’m so good at the beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.

Perceived as the cancer of mental illness, BPD has been a huge burden on those I love, I don’t mind my illness killing me now, but it’s killing my family too! That’s what hurts

Dear Little E,

Oh what a month little one. I only wish I could’ve protected you from yet another heartbreak! Sophie left you almost  2 weeks ago now, cutting you off, no warning and no reason. You blame yourself and spent days in a cold, dark, lonely place – hell, self induced suffering – but you didn’t cut yourself! Such an achievement that despite the trauma you’re 8 months clean now. But now we are back to the way it started – strangers and that breaks my heart but at the same time I’m so proud of you for that. But it’s just so freaking hard to forget the one who gave you so much to remember, the one who saved you’re life.

You joined the dating scene yet again but you worry that your illness will drive everyone away all you can think is “Stay away from me its safer for both of us that way” and realizing that you’re so scared to get close to someone, to love again because you’re scared to get hurt again and you’re scared that just like all the ones before him that he’ll learn about you and just like all the others – he’ll walk away too! People tell me to be strong but they just don’t understand – I’ve already lost that battle. They don’t understand what it’s like to be tortured by their own mind.

Little E, you will meet your Prince Charming one day, he’ll come in and save you, show you the meaning of life again.  I know you’ll never believe it but you’re a champion ‘- you truly are. Every champion was once the contender who refused to give up. Whenever you feel like giving up little one think about all the people who would love to see you fall. I  look inside your soul and see how bad you want this. you want someone to love and you want be loved. You’re only broken because you believed you were the one that could change Sophie, but if someone truly loved you they would do anything and be anything you need.

For those who have fought for it, life has a flavour the protected will never know, Little one, you’re Daddy was a soldier and you’ve always been Daddy’s little girl, the reason he did what he did – for you. You thought what you and Sophie had was love, but you were her puppet and she pulled the strings. You’re the one who loves more that’s what causes all these problems. You wish you could hurt her the way she hurt you but You know that even if given the chance you couldn’t do it. That’s what happens you let people in and they ultimately destroy you in the end.

Everyone thinks they know you, but you’re the deadliest mystery they’ll ever know.

Emmy  xx

Everyone has a story that will break your heart

At 3am she lays on the floor, listening to her favourite band. Thinking of all the mistakes she’s made, she remembers all those who claimed they loved her and would never leave her, they all did and she blames herself for them leaving. She breaks down, tears tumbling down her face, she’s not as strong as she once was.

Sixth Letter To My Childhood Self 

Little E

Your life has always been an uphill battle and you’ve defied the odds at every turn. Despite the trauma, the heartbreak and various tortures you’ve been through you have made it to the 7th month clean from cutting, you attended your first college course,got a merit in your practice assignment and handed in another, you volunteer 16 -18 hours per week in the preschool and you started the first phase of an 18 month long intensive outpatient treatment for BPD.

Your work place has turned to shit, you spend much of your work day in a dissociative state, stressed when you get home, worried for your work future and feeling like you’ve lost your power. But then, all of a sudden you discovered your own strength, your inner warrior and you snatched your power back and the game began to change.

You knew that life wasn’t going to be easy but you never knew it’d be this hard little E I wish I could’ve shielded you, told you how to fight through it but I just don’t know what to do to help you. I’m so proud of your accomplishments this year . Never give up fighting 

Your eyes told a thousand lies and everybody believed them. When people looked into your eyes you wanted someone to realise it was all a game – but they were all so stupid.
I look forward to the coming months and seeing what becomes of you. You are so strong and so much more than your scars and they can’t take that away.

Love ❤️ 

Emmy x

Fifth Letter To My Childhood Self <3

Dear Little E

Well what a month! So many positive things happening and in the last 6 weeks your world has been turned around for the better!

Well for starters you competed in your first dancing competition and made pre quarter finals in two of your three heats! You trained so hard and had a blast, all the hard work you did finally paid off! 🙂 April the 6th the marked the anniversary of you being six months free from cutting – that’s half a year Little E woohoo! Your new found confidence has set you up for so much now you found your passion and have now started your degree – a Bachelor of Teaching in Early Childhood Education. As an aspiring teacher you began work in a Preschool working with 2-5 year olds and the kids adore you. Better yet, Little E while you are teaching these little people they are teaching you so much about yourself and helping you heal from your emotional traumas. You are teaching and learning and you finally found your calling. The bonds you have formed with some of the children is amazing you are touching the hearts and lives and leaving a lasting impression on them! ❤

But the biggest shock of your life happened on the 22nd of march 2017 you were re united with your older brother whom you havent seen in 12 years! Whilst in hospital with a sprained ankle you saw him, numb with shock and your girlfriend at your side you burst into tears! He spoke to you and you smiled as you realised your life was complete now. I hope he remains part of your life forever. I will write a separate blog about us so watch this space 🙂

The pieces of your lifes puzzle are finally falling into place and I’m so proud of you for finding and pursuing your passion as an Early childhood teacher. You got lost in your mind and strayed from your calling but life hurts more than death and nothings easy but this month your life took a turn for the better and Im super proud of you. The universe is opening up to you now. Little E you are one of the strongest people I know you were the one who would always build others up only because you know what its like to be torn down. I look forward to seeing what becomes of you now. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain you did not ask for this life, yet people stigmatize you but please promise me one thing – keep fighting – never be a prisoner of your past, it was a lesson not a life sentence! So to all the haters I have one thing to say – “Judge me and I’ll prove you all wrong”

You are destined for greatness and the universe is your oyster

Emmy xx

In The Arms Of A Soldier

A True Story from January 2014, this is part of a story that took place over the space of a week,during an exercise. So here goes, a diary entry of a very touch and go situation.

 

“You’re going to want to give up….” he started to say as he looked into her tortured, maddened eyes “.. but don’t!”.  She could see the raw emotion in his deep brown eyes and that combined with the pure terror in his voice was heartbreaking as she looked down at his scarred outstretched arms and it was then that she understood what was coming. Despite spending the three previous years subjected to the blood, sweat and pain  and  the harsh reality of the so called  ‘slaughterhouse’ this was a tragedy that no one (not even herself) saw coming. 1200 went in but just how many would survive?

 

The soon to be sergeant who was unbreakable – broke, the girl who always smiled – cried, the girl who never stopped trying – finally gave up, She dropped the fake smiles, tears tumbled down her face, her rebel facade came crashing down as she whispered “I just can’t do this anymore”.  The medic said it was severe, perhaps the worst he’d seen in years, when she realized she may lose her life she just couldn’t stop the tears. When her team returned to visit her she couldn’t bear for them to know, medics told her she’d probably die tonight (just like Marilyn Monroe)

Night and day like fire and ice, a painted face leading a double life.

 

When an exercise went horribly wrong, the young soon to be sergeant lay on a stretcher in a make shift field hospital, her life hanging in the balance after suffering second and third degree burns to her face, neck and ears, severe heat stroke and blood poisoning from a deep foot wound. Her body becoming more and more weak, ravaged by pain her body began to violently spasm as her eyes rolled back in her head, the world twisted into a chaotic mess before turning to black. It was like her mind was alive but her body had died and she wondered if she would ever wake up.

*****

She woke up in someones arms, panicked and dazed she looked up and met the piercing gaze of a soldier. But there was something really wrong with that seemingly beautiful picture. He was talking to her, but why couldn’t she hear him? It was at that moment that it dawned on her that she couldn’t hear anything. In a haze of hysteria she saw the panic in his eyes, it was then on the hospital floor that he realized the girl he had been singing to was just about as dead and lifeless as she was a few moments ago. He knew her silence was her loudest scream. No one will ever know how much they both cried that night, a young girl lay lifeless in the arms of a combat soldier who she  didn’t even know and he sat on the hospital floor in a blood stained uniform cradling her lifeless body. Sadly it wasn’t the first time he had been in this position, but there was something about her that puzzled him that night and it was then that he took it upon himself to protect her at all costs, but would this seemingly innocent task lead the young soldier to a victory of a new kind or will he surrender and become too attached to the dying girl? Could this be his roaring success or the final nail in her coffin?

 

She ran her cold, blood stained hands through is wavy hair as she stared eerily into his deep piercing eyes, she could see other victims – her fellow team mates and exercise participants laying on stretchers around her. She realized the soldier was singing to her again, it was then that she learned she could lip read, mesmerized by him she could only watch through tear filled eyes. Then the inevitable struck. A sharp pain ravaged her weakened body, her life essence trickled from the open wounds on her face, neck, ears and hands and her body was once again thrown into a violent spasm, her eyes rolled back into her head as blood gushed from the wound on her foot. Her eyes continued to distort the scene around her she looked up at the soldier as panic spread across her face as she whispered only two words “Help me”. He lay her on the floor, her body continuing to spasm. He remained at her side, all he could do was watch in horror as he reached for her hand. Her heart rate slowed and her breathing stopped – within seconds he had started CPR but she still remained unconscious. A medic came running with a defibrillator as he unbuttoned her uniform shirt and attempted to revive her. Had the corporal seen her final battle? Would she survive the forever climbing odds?

 

A jolt caused her heart to hammer – like it would rip her chest apart at any second, a sharp pain swept through her body – her world was black, she tried to call out, to scream but no sound came out, her body remained lifeless. The flashback of her fellow brother, her mentor telling her not to give up, a phrase she spent many years hearing seemed to twist and bleed into the various parts of her army journey, from injuries to victories, from the smalltown nobody to the battleaxe corporal and from zero to hero, the little corporal known by all has spent her whole life fighting back and defying the odds at every obstacle but was this her final battle? She had never given up, never backed down and never let anything get in her way but was this how it would end for her? A brutal spasming bloodbath?

HOURS LATER

She regained consciousness, but found herself laying on a stretcher her arms wrapped in  bandages from the wrist and several blood soaked bandages clung to her ankle and shin. She was dazed by pain but she could feel water dripping eerily into the palm of her wounded hand. She saw five figures stood around her and she immediately identified them as her Warrant Officer, Staff Sergeant, her closest friend, Section Leader and her Primary Care Medic (her worst enemy). She turned her head and realized that the soldier was sat next to her, still holding her hand and crying. Their hands remained entwined in each others – her cold, dirty, blood stained hand in his deeply scarred one. His uniform was blood stained, as was the medics. There was alot of blood and since there were so many of her closest buddies she understood just how bad this really was.

 

Just over a year after the accident that changed two young peoples lives forever, the soon to be sergeant recovered from her injuries with minimal long term damage but was declined for enlisting in the Armed Forces, she left the Cadet Force nine months after the accident and went back to school with the aspiration of being an Early Childhood Teacher.

Since then the soldier left the military, he now makes a living selling cars and studying to complete a mechanic degree. He never really recovered after the many deployments he endured and the things he saw and he is undergoing therapy for major depression, severe PTSD and has finally left his life of war behind.

 

The pair share a special bond, they met in a unique circumstance that opened their eyes to the harshness of the life they once aspired to pursue. They once believed they were destined, living their lives on this planet to carry on a family tradition – but in the end neither one of them could do it. One succumbed  to the physical injury and the other to the emotional damage, both were left broken. But now they are living among the civilians in the dangerous world beyond the safety of the barracks nestled safely within the bases compound, beyond the unorthodox, barbaric life of the military. But no matter what they saw, what happened behind closed doors or how far you fall – Both He and I learned we will never ever be out of that fight.

Fourth Letter To My Childhood Self…


Dear Little E

Well today marks 5 months clean from cutting! This is a huge milestone and I’m so proud of you for achieving this. But you’ve  certainly hands down entered the biggest battle of your life. I won’t lie to you kid it’s not going to be easy and everyday you’ll fight the urge to pick up a blade and viciously tear apart your already scarred skin. Everyday you’ll wonder if today is the day that mental illness pulls you into the abyss that you know all too well, whether it’s the day you succumb or another day you fight back!
I’ll tell you something Little E, recovery seems like a phase and relapses are frequent and inevitable and this is the only way I can make sense of it. I’ve been mentally ill for so long now that sometimes I don’t realise how bad it’s really getting anymore. Like I sit here and my anxiety is bubbling away like crazy and I’m like “this is fine”. When I’m contemplating suicide like “this is the norm”. I constantly shut down and isolate myself “how will I avoid XYZ today”. I walk around aimlessly, in a dissociated state without remembering what I’ve done that day and thinking “ooh Halloweens coming up” me it’s the beginning of February- like “for fucks sake”. This is my norm now, life as I know it and that’s why it feels like I’ll never recover.

Depression is the monster that slowly destroyed what should’ve been “the best years of your life”. A human being can survive almost anything as long as they have  the end in sight. But depression is so fucking insidious and compounds you daily, it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage but this insidious cage has no key, no escape and only one end. And that’s the thing about depression the unspoken words from someone who knows firsthand.

Little E the world has thrown you in at the deep end and many curveballs in the last few years, the foundations of your existence uprooted and everything turned upside down but rock bottom was the foundation upon which you have learned to rebuild your life. But my biggest fear these days is that everyone I love will eventually see me the way I see myself. 

I wish I could have taught you what I know now. But oh my god I’ll tell you something kid, it’s fucking bullshit when it’s 5am and the self loathing claws it’s way up my throats and rips itself from my mouth. In a silent scream, I’m alone, when I drove the blade across my skin and cut deeper I was alone, the only real thing is the tears flowing down my cheeks and I realise I’m alone. You often asked “what’s the scariest part?” Well the answer Little E, is not the feeling of loneliness or the never ending darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of the emptiness. But the scariest part is the realisation that you’ve lost yourself completely that sinks in as you lay awake at some ridiculous hour – you’ve lost the ability to sleep, you can’t even cry, you’ve lost the battle yet you don’t even care!

Sometimes you felt like ripping your skin apart and searching for the reason for your emptiness. Maybe your veins are tangled? Maybe something is lodged in your rib cage? Because something inside f you is missing or broken! 

Keep fighting Little E you have so much to live for, you and I share so many traits because of you I keep it all inside because I’d rather the pain destroy me than everyone else. A bird sitting on a tree is not afraid of the branch snapping because it’s trust isn’t in the branch but on its own wings. Please no matter what happens always believe in yourself and don’t let anyone take away your smile.

Today somebody asked me if I knew you, a million memories flashed through my mind that almost reduced me to tears, the what ifs, unfinished plans, abandoned dreams, the child you were and the person you never became, but I just hung my head and whispered  “I used to”

“Do you love me?” You asked and in my hesitation you found your answer because  in the end  you learned how to be strong alone and that is what will get you through kiddo, strength, courage and determination. Let no one think you gave in.

Stay strong kid

Hold On Pain Ends = HOPE
Love today, tomorrow and forever

Emmy

“Love your curves and all your edges, love your perfect imperfections”

Third Letter To My Childhood Self…


I tell people I’m tired, but in fact I’m depressed. I tell people I’ll be fine tomorrow, but I know tomorrow will only be worse. I tell lies everyday and I know one day I won’t be able to stop myself. You know exactly what you’re doing and that’s what hurt me the most.

Dear Little E,

February 6th marked the fourth month clean from cutting and this is a huge achievement. That hasn’t been an easy journey and I only wish I could’ve protected you from this hell that you found yourself in, but please understand everything happens for a reason and your illnesses don’t define you – your strength and courage does.

I only wish you didn’t have to suffer the heartache of abusive relationships at the hands of lovers with empty psychotic eyes and hearts full of lies and deceit. You suffered the biggest loss when you were just 7 years old- your brother left for good. He’s 5 years older than you! You were never told why and you spent the next 10 years blaming yourself for him leaving and that just breaks my heart. When I think of those days all I can do is cry, Do you know I still carry a photo of him holding you?Then only   last year did the biggest betrayal of your life come to light, only 3 months after your parents separated, did a psychic reveal to you that you have a (half) sister and she’s now 29! She was adopted out at birth and legally adopted at age 5. As excited as you were to finally have a big sister, you were just heartbroken that the two people who were supposed to love and protect you have just committed the ultimate (19 year long) betrayal.

Little E, I look at the innocent being you once were and I can’t help but cry. This cruel world awaited you, rigged with deceitful lovers, the abyss of mental illness, a roller coaster of emotion and shame, humiliation, and disappointments. You lost your way in the maze of life. Blades became your friend, your only escape, you lied to those who stood by you, your days revolved around forcing yourself to do the mundane domestic chores, taking pills and either sleeping all day or battling insomnia. You went to war with yourself every moment of every day and even staying alive was a constant battle. Your thighs and arms became bloodied and scarred as depression pulled you deeper into its never ending dark abyss. You became fixated on suicide and Mia’a voice eerily haunting you. Until you almost ended your life – two weeks before Christmas 2016.

You continue to think about and question your older brother Nick leaving and wonder if it’s really your fault, you wonder what life would’ve been like growing up with a big brother and having a role model, a mentor, a friend and it makes you wonder what your life would’ve been like, how different it could’ve been. But you then came to realise that you’ll never learn the truth. I haven’t heard from him since that day – at the age of 7 when I hugged him I never realised that day would be our last or that every night since then while the world is sound asleep you’d walk down memory lane with tears in your eyes and a heart that’s silently breaking. But its something I’ll never know now and can only wish that one day he’ll come home and we’ll be re united once more. I love you Nick and I wish you’d come home, reply to my message or letters or maybe even call me. 

Anyways, your family could only watch in horror as their “baby girl” became someone they never knew – a monster. They could only watch in horror as mental illness stole you from them. Your mother and new step father frantically burst through the doors of the emergency room after your mother received the dreaded call at work. Your older sister, numb with shock was sent away from the ER by your mother and broke down in her car terrified she’d lost her only sister. Your two younger brothers wondered what happened to you, asking a million questions and quizzing everyone however no one could face telling them the truth. Your new step sister voice messaging you desperately trying to make you realise you’re not alone, telling you that she’s been where you are now and to keep fighting. Your partner Sophie ended up in respite too after learning what you did. Your father hated himself for not spotting the signs before you overdosed he blames himself for being distant and not checking on you. So many people care about you Little E and I only wish you had reached out to someone before you “fatally overdosed”.

I wish I’d called one of my sisters and told her everything or spoken to my father. I wish I’d gone for a walk or run or listened to my favourite song “Lullaby”. Instead you impulsively fatally overdosed and drove yourself to the hospital. But now all I can think is What if you’d died that night? Everyone would blame themselves.. Your mother- would be eaten alive by guilt, her only daughter dead, and she never knew you were hurting this bad. Your step father- despite only knowing you for 5 months and considering you as one of his own would be lost without you around. Your sister – would be heartbroken that after 10 years of searching for you and only having 11 months to bond with you would’ve lost you forever, she’s wonder if she could’ve done anything to protect you. Your step sister- would be devastated she considers you as the little sister she never had and would blame herself for not being there more often. Your younger brothers- would forever wonder what happened to you, why you abandoned them, broke your promise and never came home. Your older brother never got chance to know you and you wonder if he’d be upset about what had happened, would he finally come home? Your father – would go to pieces, the loss of his baby daughter/second child would kill him. Your girlfriend- would lose her soulmate and wonder whether she could’ve helped you, she’d miss you more than anyone and it’d break her.

You never thought your life would turn into the nightmare that now haunts me. I know plenty of people say things are “a nightmare” – the roads are busy “it’s a nightmare!” They can’t un tie their shoelaces because it’s knotted and they’d only  just cut their nails and “it’s a nightmare too!” – it makes you realise they don’t really know an awful lot if that’s their perception of a nightmare. I too, share your childlike  reverie that one day your brother will come home and you’ll finally have the  perfect family unit you always dreamed of. People have always admired your courage and independence and You never wanted to need someone, until you met Sophie and she changed your life forever. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you guys and I have so much hope for your future.

Bye for now

Emmy


I thought I could go through life on my own but recently I’ve come to realise that even superwoman sometimes needed  supermans soul!

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