The moment I learned I was pregnant, was when it dawned on me that I was responsible for another life. That became the moment I gave up on my lifetime of bad decisions and terrible habits and I chose to spend the rest of my life putting someone else before myself!
To My Little Angel…
[08/08/2017 04.45 Hours]
It was a misty Tuesday morning in August and I lay in that hospital bed in the local Emergency Room – feeling like death, I had been admitted for suspected complications as a result of recurring tonsilitis that had plagued me all year. As i drifted in and out of a tormented sleep the doctor came in with an emotionless expression on her face and my patient file in her hand. I had only had blood drawn half an hour ago and results dont usually come back for at least 1-2 hours, My heart sank, “This cant be good” I thought as she closed the cubicle curtain, pulled the side rails on the bed up and sat down beside me. “Emily..” She began – my heart hammered – like it would rip my chest apart at any second. After all the injuries and illnesses I have overcome in my life was this finally the end?? Would I even be leaving the hospital today, and in one piece?
That doctor was about to drop the bombshell no one (not even myself) saw coming, the bombshell that would change my (and my whole family’s) life forever.
“… Did you know you’re pregnant?” – I sat in that hospital bed and for the first time in my life in total silence. So many things raced through my mind and so many questions I wanted to ask but the words wouldn’t come out. She continued to talk but my mind was in another universe altogether as I came to the conclusion that you’re life is more important than mine – and I’d go above and beyond to protect you. You are a part of me now and it’s us against the world. I was discharged sometime around 0730 hours – instead of “infected tonsils/recurring tonsilitis” I was discharged with the diagnosis of “early teen pregnancy – high risk – maternal complex med. history”. I later learned I was 3 weeks 6 days pregnant. Crying from all the mixed emotions fear, excitement, shock and nerves hit me like a ton of bricks as I wandered out of the hospital and along the roadside in the misty rain.
In tears I shakily dialled my Mums number as I walked to the Botanical Gardens in the rain. she was shocked but very excited as were my two older sisters and my Dad. In the last few hours my world was turned upside down but this time for the better. You’re daddy is an abusive, violent, class A drug addict with rape, burglary and assault charges so he wont be involved in your life, however I met him 5 years ago, we became best friends and have been ever since he saved my life out at the military camp all those years ago he was 13 and i was almost 16. We aren’t together now but I have you – the memory of the young rebellious bad boy who saved my life (I had the bad ass rebel reputation too). I’ll be a single mum and I know that it wont be easy, but it doesn’t change my opinions or feelings towards you my little angel.Im now 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I love watching you grow at each ultrasound appointment and you’re just perfect. 2 weeks ago I saw your little heart beating and I fell in love all over again. Not everyday of this pregnancy is/will be easy but everyday brings me closer to holding you. I’ve been waiting for the last 7 years since I met you in spirit and everytime I saw you during those scans I’ve only fallen more and more in love with you! Because of you I’m staying clean from self harm forever – 11 months clean now and you’re my inspiration keep it that way forever!
Your Nana and Poppa are so excited and cant wait for your arrival neither can your uncles 8,10 and (18 step brother) (and your uncle Nick aged 25 who is estranged but I told him when I met him on the street and he was happy for me and is somewhat excited) and your aunties aged 29 (my half sister) and 23 (Step sister). But most of all I am counting down the days 214 days to go. I am dying to meet you, my miracle baby, sent from the cosmic cradle to be my saving grace. From the day I found out about you I just fall in love everyday. The butterflies your daddy used to give me have long gone but they turned into your little hands and feet. I never understood the meaning or purpose in my life until you came into mine, saved me and showed me how to live and love myself again – the two greatest gifts. As the sonographer tried to measure you, I lay there talking to you – you kept moving though and she couldn’t get exact measurements but she said you like listening to me talking to you! All this time I wondered – Can you understand me? Can you hear me my little angel?
I left your father 6 days before I found out about you and even though I’ll be on my own raising you it’s best for everyone, just you and me it’s made me realise that it takes one special mumma to be a daddy too! You were certainly a surprise though you were never a mistake – your daddy was! You will be brought into this world as a result of an alluring mistake – when you’re mummy was just a young girl and you’re daddy couldn’t stay.
It’s just you and me against the world now kiddo!
Love Today, Tomorrow and then Forever
Being a young mum means we met a little early, but it also means I get to love you a little longer. Some people said my life ended when I found out about you, But my life had only just begun – you didn’t take away from my future – you gave me a new one – and a reason to fight.