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Musings of an Angels Mumma πŸ–€

Mummy to an Angel baby! πŸ’š A journey of soul searching and raising a baby in the cosmic cradle

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life

Eighth Letter To My Childhood Self πŸ–€

Whenever you feel like giving up, think about all the people who would love to see you fall. Even the devil doesn’t know what to do with a woman like you, the woman who just refused to  give up!

 

Dear Little E,

What a month, so many things are going on – and to make it to the ninth month clean from cutting! You’ll never understand how much anger and self hatred you had to take a blade to your own skin and tear it apart! You wanted someone to notice, but as soon as they did notice – you wished they never had. Since then, every time you wanted to cut, you remember the promise you made to them. You acted like it was nothing – but truly ? It was slowly destroying you. 

4am knows all of your secrets darling, but with broken wings you’ll learn to fly again! I see this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is, sometimes I think I know her, sometimes I wish I did, There’s a heart wrenching story in her eyes, lullabies and goodbye, as she vacantly stares back at me, I can tell she’s hurting inside. Don’t ask me for my honesty Little E, cos it’ll have you in tears. You’ll survive though kiddo, because ya know I always did. It’s something you could never understand and I can’t explain.

I say I don’t want to tell you about it, I actually do – but I’m afraid of your reaction – that you’ll never see me as an equal again. I’m afraid of the pity in your eyes as you realize how screwed up I am. I don’t want to be this way I’m so lonely and lost because all I ever wanted was to be loved, what’s wrong with me? I just want to connect, why can’t i connect with people?

They all  promised you they’d never leave you, but where are they all now? He learned your secrets, the torture you once endured and the stories behind your cuts, scars, burns and flaws and then…. he walked away, just like all the others before him! 

Your Father always told you “Be with the man who enjoys your madness, not the idiot who’ll force you to be normal”. I met a guy about a month ago and he became a good mate to you . I’ve spent every Sunday evening with him, watching movies, cuddling and talking about everything from life’s triumphs to life’s pitfalls and everything in between. He showed you the meaning of life and taught you how to love yourself and live again, and the most heartbreaking part of this story? – he has absolutely no idea that he gave you that reason to fight – he saved your life. Last Sunday we were sat on his couch  and he traced the scars on my arms and thighs, and looked at me with those piercing eyes as he pulled me close to him “You’re so beautiful” I was taken by surprise – most guys see my hideous scars and walk away and he called me beautiful. “If ever you feel that way would you tell me?” I hung my head , a million thoughts raced through my mind. Tears filled my eyes as the eyeliner smeared down my face “what’s wrong?” he questioned “Because, I’d rather hurt myself, than anyone else”

It was then that I realized that he has seen me for the woman that I am, not my illness or imperfections.  I’ve always had a thing for the wildflowers, the bad boys I never believed anyone could truly love me. But It was then  that I realized he actually sees me for who I am and vice versa. I’ve come to the realization recently that anyone can make you smile or cry but it takes someone incredibly special to make you smile when you already have tears in your eyes. This is what he has done for you, .It’s been a rough month but you’ve pulled through, people shouldn’t love you for your perfection, they should love you for the fact that you’re not.

I can’t wait to see what the month ahead is going to bring for you! Mental illness may have stole my life, friends, education, motivation, sanity but worst of all it stole me, but not this time I entered the most brutal battle of my own mind and took back the control. Even though the darkened abyss of mental illness stole what should’ve been the best years of your life  you came to realize that you want your own heart breaking story to be an inspiration to others, you want someone to look at you and say “Because of you, I never gave up”. Someone once told me that the people who’ve had horrific pasts ending up creating the best futures.

 

All in all Little E, this months advice for you: I’ve come to understand that while I’m in the company of those who don’t understand me that I was not put here on this earth to fit in to this chaotic world, I’m here to create my own. I’m searching for the one who’ll join me in my crazy, chaotic world and live with my insanity. I am embarking on the most intense journey in this realm and I don’t want to wonder alone, I wonder who   your soul mate is? I always believed everyone in your life has a reason to be there, whether to be a lesson, a friend or part of your soul family.

Stay strong kiddo. The worlds a scary place but it’s you’re oyster now and all the opportunities that’ll come to you- you have so many people that love and want to support you.

All my love

Emmy πŸ¦‹

 

Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy, remember that. I don’t fight because I hate the situation in front of me, I fight because I love those who are behind me. No one loves the warrior until the enemy is at the gate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Fifth Letter To My Childhood Self <3

Dear Little E

Well what a month! So many positive things happening and in the last 6 weeks your world has been turned around for the better!

Well for starters you competed in your first dancing competition and made pre quarter finals in two of your three heats! You trained so hard and had a blast, all the hard work you did finally paid off! πŸ™‚ April the 6th the marked the anniversary of you being six months free from cutting – that’s half a year Little E woohoo! Your new found confidence has set you up for so much now you found your passion and have now started your degree – a Bachelor of Teaching in Early Childhood Education. As an aspiring teacher you began work in a Preschool working with 2-5 year olds and the kids adore you. Better yet, Little E while you are teaching these little people they are teaching you so much about yourself and helping you heal from your emotional traumas. You are teaching and learning and you finally found your calling. The bonds you have formed with some of the children is amazing you are touching the hearts and lives and leaving a lasting impression on them! ❀

But the biggest shock of your life happened on the 22nd of march 2017 you were re united with your older brother whom you havent seen in 12 years! Whilst in hospital with a sprained ankle you saw him, numb with shock and your girlfriend at your side you burst into tears! He spoke to you and you smiled as you realised your life was complete now. I hope he remains part of your life forever. I will write a separate blog about us so watch this space πŸ™‚

The pieces of your lifes puzzle are finally falling into place and I’m so proud of you for finding and pursuing your passion as an Early childhood teacher. You got lost in your mind and strayed from your calling but life hurts more than death and nothings easy but this month your life took a turn for the better and Im super proud of you. The universe is opening up to you now. Little E you are one of the strongest people I know you were the one who would always build others up only because you know what its like to be torn down. I look forward to seeing what becomes of you now. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain you did not ask for this life, yet people stigmatize you but please promise me one thing – keep fighting – never be a prisoner of your past, it was a lesson not a life sentence! So to all the haters I have one thing to say – “Judge me and I’ll prove you all wrong”

You are destined for greatness and the universe is your oyster

Emmy xx

In The Arms Of A Soldier

A True Story from January 2014, this is part of a story that took place over the space of a week,during an exercise. So here goes, a diary entry of a very touch and go situation.

 

“You’re going to want to give up….” he started to say as he looked into her tortured, maddened eyes “.. but don’t!”.  She could see the raw emotion in his deep brown eyes and that combined with the pure terror in his voice was heartbreaking as she looked down at his scarred outstretched arms and it was then that she understood what was coming. Despite spending the three previous years subjected to the blood, sweat and pain  and  the harsh reality of the so called  ‘slaughterhouse’ this was a tragedy that no one (not even herself) saw coming. 1200 went in but just how many would survive?

 

The soon to be sergeant who was unbreakable – broke, the girl who always smiled – cried, the girl who never stopped trying – finally gave up, She dropped the fake smiles, tears tumbled down her face, her rebel facade came crashing down as she whispered “I just can’t do this anymore”.  The medic said it was severe, perhaps the worst he’d seen in years, when she realized she may lose her life she just couldn’t stop the tears. When her team returned to visit her she couldn’t bear for them to know, medics told her she’d probably die tonight (just like Marilyn Monroe)

Night and day like fire and ice, a painted face leading a double life.

 

When an exercise went horribly wrong, the young soon to be sergeant lay on a stretcher in a make shift field hospital, her life hanging in the balance after suffering second and third degree burns to her face, neck and ears, severe heat stroke and blood poisoning from a deep foot wound. Her body becoming more and more weak, ravaged by pain her body began to violently spasm as her eyes rolled back in her head, the world twisted into a chaotic mess before turning to black. It was like her mind was alive but her body had died and she wondered if she would ever wake up.

*****

She woke up in someones arms, panicked and dazed she looked up and met the piercing gaze of a soldier. But there was something really wrong with that seemingly beautiful picture. He was talking to her, but why couldn’t she hear him? It was at that moment that it dawned on her that she couldn’t hear anything. In a haze of hysteria she saw the panic in his eyes, it was then on the hospital floor that he realized the girl he had been singing to was just about as dead and lifeless as she was a few moments ago. He knew her silence was her loudest scream. No one will ever know how much they both cried that night, a young girl lay lifeless in the arms of a combat soldier who she  didn’t even know and he sat on the hospital floor in a blood stained uniform cradling her lifeless body. Sadly it wasn’t the first time he had been in this position, but there was something about her that puzzled him that night and it was then that he took it upon himself to protect her at all costs, but would this seemingly innocent task lead the young soldier to a victory of a new kind or will he surrender and become too attached to the dying girl? Could this be his roaring success or the final nail in her coffin?

 

She ran her cold, blood stained hands through is wavy hair as she stared eerily into his deep piercing eyes, she could see other victims – her fellow team mates and exercise participants laying on stretchers around her. She realized the soldier was singing to her again, it was then that she learned she could lip read, mesmerized by him she could only watch through tear filled eyes. Then the inevitable struck. A sharp pain ravaged her weakened body, her life essence trickled from the open wounds on her face, neck, ears and hands and her body was once again thrown into a violent spasm, her eyes rolled back into her head as blood gushed from the wound on her foot. Her eyes continued to distort the scene around her she looked up at the soldier as panic spread across her face as she whispered only two words “Help me”. He lay her on the floor, her body continuing to spasm. He remained at her side, all he could do was watch in horror as he reached for her hand. Her heart rate slowed and her breathing stopped – within seconds he had started CPR but she still remained unconscious. A medic came running with a defibrillator as he unbuttoned her uniform shirt and attempted to revive her. Had the corporal seen her final battle? Would she survive the forever climbing odds?

 

A jolt caused her heart to hammer – like it would rip her chest apart at any second, a sharp pain swept through her body – her world was black, she tried to call out, to scream but no sound came out, her body remained lifeless. The flashback of her fellow brother, her mentor telling her not to give up, a phrase she spent many years hearing seemed to twist and bleed into the various parts of her army journey, from injuries to victories, from the smalltown nobody to the battleaxe corporal and from zero to hero, the little corporal known by all has spent her whole life fighting back and defying the odds at every obstacle but was this her final battle? She had never given up, never backed down and never let anything get in her way but was this how it would end for her? A brutal spasming bloodbath?

HOURS LATER

She regained consciousness, but found herself laying on a stretcher her arms wrapped in  bandages from the wrist and several blood soaked bandages clung to her ankle and shin. She was dazed by pain but she could feel water dripping eerily into the palm of her wounded hand. She saw five figures stood around her and she immediately identified them as her Warrant Officer, Staff Sergeant, her closest friend, Section Leader and her Primary Care Medic (her worst enemy). She turned her head and realized that the soldier was sat next to her, still holding her hand and crying. Their hands remained entwined in each others – her cold, dirty, blood stained hand in his deeply scarred one. His uniform was blood stained, as was the medics. There was alot of blood and since there were so many of her closest buddies she understood just how bad this really was.

 

Just over a year after the accident that changed two young peoples lives forever, the soon to be sergeant recovered from her injuries with minimal long term damage but was declined for enlisting in the Armed Forces, she left the Cadet Force nine months after the accident and went back to school with the aspiration of being an Early Childhood Teacher.

Since then the soldier left the military, he now makes a living selling cars and studying to complete a mechanic degree. He never really recovered after the many deployments he endured and the things he saw and he is undergoing therapy for major depression, severe PTSD and has finally left his life of war behind.

 

The pair share a special bond, they met in a unique circumstance that opened their eyes to the harshness of the life they once aspired to pursue. They once believed they were destined, living their lives on this planet to carry on a family tradition – but in the end neither one of them could do it. One succumbed  to the physical injury and the other to the emotional damage, both were left broken. But now they are living among the civilians in the dangerous world beyond the safety of the barracks nestled safely within the bases compound, beyond the unorthodox, barbaric life of the military. But no matter what they saw, what happened behind closed doors or how far you fall – Both He and I learned we will never ever be out of that fight.

A Battle Within MyselfΒ 


What screwed me up most in life was the picture in my head of how it was supposed to be. They say “Tomorrow will be a better day, never lose hope” but lately I’ve come to the conclusion that hope is dangerous – it can drive a man insane. The minute you think about giving up, think about why you held on for so long. But please, promise me if I can’t do it anymore let nobody think I gave in. I wrote the following poem a couple of months ago 

A Battle Within Myself”

Have you ever sat up at night to let your barrier down brick by brick? I sat in the silence, the darkness and I cried too many times. I let their words destroy me and let it all ultimately defeat me, made me think I was worthless. I let the burden of their words, of my thoughts get to me. I regret it. I’ve got the scars that remind me. I regret that I let my family and friends down while drowning in pain. All because I let my anxiety and their wretchedness get me, I let it control me, the pain, the pleasure. I was merciless at their hands – it makes me  cringe. The memories so overwhelm and overtake me sometimes. Though sometimes I unwillingly go back to the feelings that cause my blood to run cold. Sometimes I reminisce and hear voices saying “I’m not good enough”  and I eventually decided I’m probably not. It wasn’t fair I began to care and realised I have fought too hard against them and ultimately lost the battle within myself.


The photo attached is of my tattoo which I got as a tribute to my best friend Michael who I’ve known since the day I was born, committed suicide two and a half years ago – it’s his butterfly πŸ¦‹Ever since his death we’ve associated the monarch butterfly as a symbol of him in spirit. This was my first tattoo (I got it in December 2015) and a month later I went under the needle again and got the word ‘Courage’ tattooed under my butterfly.  This holds a lot of significance to me now. I’ve battled through numerous mental illnesses including two suicide attempts which have been the main reason for starting writing these blogs. Physical health problems ranging from rare disease Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, appendix surgery and chronic stomach erosion.

Courage it’s also part of the military motto. I’m the son of an ex soldier and I spent 4 years in the military cadets – aspiring to follow in my fathers footsteps. But at 16 and a half I was permanently medically disqualified for service. Depression kicked in and my life was on the downward spiral. 

So I think the word and tattoo courage is so appropriate. I may have been weak enough to cut, give up or attempt suicide but I was strong enough to survive those days because it takes more courage to suffer than it does to die. But what is courage? Courage is being scared to death but saddling up to the challenge anyway.

Nightmares of Lovers Past πŸ’”

**TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ **

Mentions domestic violence, abuse, gang and rape!

Your eyes watch me from within my dreams. Haunting me mercilessly, melting my being. Your silhouette piercing the darkness as I close my eyes once again. I’m forced to remember the pain that’s driving me so insane. Now all the time I seem to lose control, I can’t tell reality from fantasy. Intoxicated by your lies that still wake me up in the dead of night. This so called love was lost before it begun. You, the torturer,the ghost haunting me, wounding me and torturing my broken soul. Now all I can say is hopefully my screams will wake you from your dreams.

Many years ago I was trapped in an abusive relationship. I was almost 16 and he was going on 19. I was young, I was naive and I believed that he loved me and that I could save him from this life. He was in a gang – but they abused him, threatened and beat him. He took his anger, frustration and pain out on me. He would smoke and drink excessively that he became violent – beating me black and blue, threatening to hurt or kill me/my family if I didn’t give him what he wanted (sex, money ect) or do as he asked, he would run up huge bills he couldn’t afford, rob houses/shops ect – he even raped me! Not only was he physically abusive but emotionally too – he made me feel inferior, useless and unattractive among other things. But like many victims of domestic violence I felt trapped, scared to leave or seek help. But at the same time I was convinced that he loved me and I hated the gang beatings and how they treated him. I hoped to hell someone would be a hero and save him, but watched as they all walked away.

To this day I know I’ll have nightmares forever as regrets still haunt my hollow head as I sit here and scream “who the hell gave you the right?”. I have one message for all of you who put your two cents worth in over the years – Don’t you dare tell me it’s easy to leave an abusive relationship when you’ve never been in one!  When I was with my now ex boyfriend I wrote this song for him it was pretty raw for me and expressed my emotion towards him. I was 15 when I wrote this and here it is:

” INNOCENT “

He picks up a knife he just wants to end his life. Everyday is a battle causing scars the way out seems so far. Nobody knows he’s abused and scared he lives each day in total fear. Everybody seems to stare, why can’t they see that something’s wrong? Maybe it’s been going on too long. Nobody saw the wrong he’s been suffering too long.

People think he’s strong so he just plays along. Scars curl round his wrists it’s a fucking gruesome twist, it’s worse than a voodoo spell and now he’d rather go to hell. He won’t let you see him cry or scream he’s just a one man team. Who gave them the right? Cos .. 

*Chorus: A million tears remain unseen with all the bullshit in between. They’re treating him like shit and nobody seems to care a bit. This has made him go insane I now know he’ll never be the same. He doesn’t wanna live anymore he’s been shaken to his core. He gets beaten till he’s destroyed he’s just an innocent young boy. His world is turned to black he’s innocent, innocent *

His morbid silence is the loudest scream they like violence as a team. A burning lighter on his shaking hand and nobody even gave a damn. The flames they burn his flesh the blood stains are all fresh. He never wanted this strife now his best friend is a knife. How did he manage to fuck up his life?

* Chorus *

He won’t admit that he’s in pain he wished someone would realise it’s all a game. Among all of his tears are his deepest darkest fears. I can see the “save me” in his eyes and I can feel the pain within his cries. What gives them the right? Why do they force him to fight? They bruise his skin with shattering blows beating him senseless not even he knows. What has he done tonight to deserve those black eyes?

He became a victim to their abuse now he has no excuse when he met a tortured girl who had those kind of scars as well he then realised he wasn’t alone anymore he found a reason to keep fighting for

*Chorus*

He stood outside her window on a dark rainy night. But he wasn’t alright the crashing gave me a fright . I had become his obsession when he put his knife in my possession because he is just 18 there’s only one place he wants to be.

We’ve seen him in a state he knows death is now a big mistake a family he will one day create. He will stand with his little boy and tell him it’s a weapon not a toy.

*Chorus*

Weapons are not a toy you’re an innocent young boy. It’s a weapon not a toy you stupid little boy 

Memories of his strife the images of the knife that almost took his life. Looking back through their dark morbid lives as memories fade into the night, behind their empty psychotic eyes.

*The end*

I’m now no longer ashamed of my story, I’m hoping it will inspire others to ultimately break the silence for once upon a time I was the one that loved him even after the cheatings and the beatings! πŸ–€πŸ’”

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