Whenever you feel like giving up, think about all the people who would love to see you fall. Even the devil doesn’t know what to do with a woman like you, the woman who just refused to give up!
Dear Little E,
What a month, so many things are going on – and to make it to the ninth month clean from cutting! You’ll never understand how much anger and self hatred you had to take a blade to your own skin and tear it apart! You wanted someone to notice, but as soon as they did notice – you wished they never had. Since then, every time you wanted to cut, you remember the promise you made to them. You acted like it was nothing – but truly ? It was slowly destroying you.
4am knows all of your secrets darling, but with broken wings you’ll learn to fly again! I see this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is, sometimes I think I know her, sometimes I wish I did, There’s a heart wrenching story in her eyes, lullabies and goodbye, as she vacantly stares back at me, I can tell she’s hurting inside. Don’t ask me for my honesty Little E, cos it’ll have you in tears. You’ll survive though kiddo, because ya know I always did. It’s something you could never understand and I can’t explain.
I say I don’t want to tell you about it, I actually do – but I’m afraid of your reaction – that you’ll never see me as an equal again. I’m afraid of the pity in your eyes as you realize how screwed up I am. I don’t want to be this way I’m so lonely and lost because all I ever wanted was to be loved, what’s wrong with me? I just want to connect, why can’t i connect with people?
They all promised you they’d never leave you, but where are they all now? He learned your secrets, the torture you once endured and the stories behind your cuts, scars, burns and flaws and then…. he walked away, just like all the others before him!
Your Father always told you “Be with the man who enjoys your madness, not the idiot who’ll force you to be normal”. I met a guy about a month ago and he became a good mate to you . I’ve spent every Sunday evening with him, watching movies, cuddling and talking about everything from life’s triumphs to life’s pitfalls and everything in between. He showed you the meaning of life and taught you how to love yourself and live again, and the most heartbreaking part of this story? – he has absolutely no idea that he gave you that reason to fight – he saved your life. Last Sunday we were sat on his couch and he traced the scars on my arms and thighs, and looked at me with those piercing eyes as he pulled me close to him “You’re so beautiful” I was taken by surprise – most guys see my hideous scars and walk away and he called me beautiful. “If ever you feel that way would you tell me?” I hung my head , a million thoughts raced through my mind. Tears filled my eyes as the eyeliner smeared down my face “what’s wrong?” he questioned “Because, I’d rather hurt myself, than anyone else”
It was then that I realized that he has seen me for the woman that I am, not my illness or imperfections. I’ve always had a thing for the wildflowers, the bad boys I never believed anyone could truly love me. But It was then that I realized he actually sees me for who I am and vice versa. I’ve come to the realization recently that anyone can make you smile or cry but it takes someone incredibly special to make you smile when you already have tears in your eyes. This is what he has done for you, .It’s been a rough month but you’ve pulled through, people shouldn’t love you for your perfection, they should love you for the fact that you’re not.
I can’t wait to see what the month ahead is going to bring for you! Mental illness may have stole my life, friends, education, motivation, sanity but worst of all it stole me, but not this time I entered the most brutal battle of my own mind and took back the control. Even though the darkened abyss of mental illness stole what should’ve been the best years of your life you came to realize that you want your own heart breaking story to be an inspiration to others, you want someone to look at you and say “Because of you, I never gave up”. Someone once told me that the people who’ve had horrific pasts ending up creating the best futures.
All in all Little E, this months advice for you: I’ve come to understand that while I’m in the company of those who don’t understand me that I was not put here on this earth to fit in to this chaotic world, I’m here to create my own. I’m searching for the one who’ll join me in my crazy, chaotic world and live with my insanity. I am embarking on the most intense journey in this realm and I don’t want to wonder alone, I wonder who your soul mate is? I always believed everyone in your life has a reason to be there, whether to be a lesson, a friend or part of your soul family.
Stay strong kiddo. The worlds a scary place but it’s you’re oyster now and all the opportunities that’ll come to you- you have so many people that love and want to support you.
All my love
Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy, remember that. I don’t fight because I hate the situation in front of me, I fight because I love those who are behind me. No one loves the warrior until the enemy is at the gate.