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Musings of an Angels Mumma πŸ–€

Mummy to an Angel baby! πŸ’š A journey of soul searching and raising a baby in the cosmic cradle

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Spiritualism

Second Letter To Braxdyn

My heart breaks as I type the word ‘miscarriage’> I should be designing your nursery and shopping for toys and clothes – but instead I’m left alone in my head, plagued by grief. I keep hearing “it just takes time”, but how will time ever take away the pain of never experiencing life with you.

 

BRAXDYN

My darling son,

I don’t just grieve your loss, I grieve never having the chance to hear you speak, teach you to walk, show you the world and watch you grow. Everyday reveals something new I, as a mother will be missing out on. Knowing that I’ll never get to hear you shout “Mumma”.

 

In an instant my life was changed forever, (18.09.17) “No heartbeat” the words that will haunt me forever. I lay on the sonographers table with Mum and Cameron (my partner/your step daddy) by my side, the tears tumbled down my face, my body went limp as a tortured soul destroying scream escaped me- a sound that’llΒ  scar me forever. My world was collapsing around me as Mum and Cameron pulled me into a tight embrace. I looked up at the screen, you were no longer moving, you passed away while sucking your thumb, that was the day you became an angel. With you went so much of me. You’ll always be my favourite “what if?” and I’ll forever wonder who you would’ve been.

 

On 20.09.17, my 20th birthday, I gave birth to you, my sleeping angel. That was the day I gave birth to death when I wanted life. I love you and miss you so much son, I miss you more than anyone will ever know. If I could hold you one last time I would and then I’d never let you go again. Grief is a hole that you walk around during the day but at night you fall. You were my hardest “goodbye” but because of you I believe in angels. Brax, I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save your life. Honestly, that’s the worst feeling in the universe, knowing that I did the best I could and it still wasn’t good enough. Someone said to me the other day,Β  “there;s no greater pain than to bear a child” but I could only reply with “there’s no greater pain than to bury one”

You were sent to be my saving grace and only when you were gone did I truly realise this and now I truly believe you were sent to save me from myself. Losing you is the hardest story that I’ve ever told – no hope, smiles or happy endings just haunted by demons. While my friends babies are learning how to walk, I know you’re learning to fly. I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you about the universe , Son does the universe hold you tight and tell you about me? I don’t know what pain was worse – the shock of losing you, the brutality of giving birth to death or the heart wrenching agony of what will never be. I sit and cry for the ‘tomorrows’ that will never dawn. The universe holds you now instead of me. Giving you back was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I’ve realised it will be the longest walk ‘home’ when my time comes, for it is the time when you, my beloved baby ‘ran’ before me and for years I’ve been forced to walk alone with out you.

Following your return from the hospital I kept you close to me everynight, dreaming of the future we were meant to have, but those whimsical dreams are tainted by memories and flashbacks from your traumatic birth. Today my forest is dark, the trees are wilting and the butterflies have broken wings. I’ve come to realise thatΒ  all my life I’ve saved everyone else when they needed it, but through all of this – who will save me? I know I’m not dead but I feel like I’m no longer alive eitherΒ  – like a ghost with a heartbeat. When I was a child I would never have imagined my life turning out like this – 20 years old, depressed, isolated, single and ultimately a “bereaved mother”

 

I met someone today son, he’s so amazing, like minded, crazy, intriguing – I want to get to know him more. I’m so taken by him- we’re so similar – he’s like the male version of me! Did you send him for me? However all I can think when I stare into his eyes is – Would he kiss my lips, knowing razors kissed my wrists?? I can’t help but cry when I envision the life we should have been living, I cry when I think about how amazing he is – compared to every guy I’ve dated. Where has he been all my life? As I look at him I see so much of myself – an amazing person who has been hurt, broken and troubled and someone who also changed his life for the better! Because of you son, I realised who I truly am and then I began to turn my life around, because of you I am now 1 year in remission from cutting and leaving my self destructive ways behind.

 

Love today, tomorrow and then forever

Mummy xx

 

A piece of me died with you baby and as much as it hurts, I love walking down memory lane so I can run into you again, your song on this earth plane ended too soon but in the hearts of those who loved you, your melody will forever linger on

Holding your baby in your arms for the first, last and only time!

Fly high Baby Boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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First Letter To Braxdyn – Care of Heaven

 Photo was taken 11 days before you died 😦 

I was going to have a baby but I had an angel instead. I’m living every parents worst nightmare there is no pain like a broken heart of a grieving mother.

 

My darling Angel πŸ‘Ό

Braxdyn Nicholas
Passed away: 18:09:17

Date of birth: 20:09:17

Due date: 18:04.18
Missing you comes in waves and tonight I’m drowning.  I remember the first time I saw you so tiny and full of life,  and from that moment on my world changed for ever. But then I remember the first day without you and I have never been the same for I remember everything. On 18:09:17 when I heard the words “i’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat” The trapdoor opened and I fell. I don’t think anyone’s ever wanted anything the way I wanted you.

Brax, I never got to hear you cry I never got to feel you kick I never got to hold you close but I’ll never forget the moment your heart stop and mine was forced to keep beating. But darling if I could wish for one thing it would be to hear you call my name “Mumma!” Even if it was just one time. You are my favourite “what if?” Just because I let you go doesn’t mean I wanted to your wings are ready even though my heart was not. 

I had so many dreams about you and me and our future together it was just going to be us against the world. I’m so sorry I couldn’t have saved you but no one truly knows how much I cried that day because I already miss the future I was supposed to have with you. I’m held captive by those memories and I’m at the mercy of that moment I knew you were gone you didn’t stay for long but in those precious few weeks you changed me for the better, forever!

But one day everything changed and my whole world was turned upside down my heart was broken into 1 million pieces my time with you was cut short I had so much left to teach you, to show you, to say to you. 1000 moments I took for granted because I assumed there would be 1000 more. Then I get this feeling in my heart slowly breaks because my memory loves you and enquires about you all the time. The day you died all the colours left my world – with you went so much of me and I’m haunted by a lifetime of wonder!

As I lay in my hospital bed tonight staring out at the moon be on the stars I’m dreaming about you and what it would be like if you were here with me now. I will never understand what had to be you and not me! I’m broken it just hits me out of nowhere time seems to freeze like it’s been brought to a standstill and all of a sudden sadness encircles me. I feel helpless and numb to the world! I feel like I died with you but They just forgot to bury me! I would’ve sacrificed everything I’d have given my life to save yours!

When I pass through the veil the first thing I’m going to do is find you The second thing I’ll do is never let you go again! The veil may separate us today son , but nothing will ever change the fact you made me a mum! πŸ’œ

Love today, tomorrow and then forever…

πŸ›πŸ¦‹Mummy πŸ¦‹πŸ›

The loss of a child is not just an event it’s an indescribable journey of courage and survival. The death of my son did not define me but it certainly changed me forever πŸ’š
I’m the proud mummy of an angel πŸ‘Ό 

Life in the Cosmic Cradle – meeting my baby !

Do babies in the cosmic cradle “google earth” their parents?

It is with the help of my own child who has yet to be born into this realm that I am writing this. 

As a young child I was identified as spiritually gifted. I could see and hear spirit, spirits of loved ones and friends who had passed through the veil, some of which died before my birth. Growing up spiritualism was a taboo subject at home and my questions and comments would simply have just been shut down. I never really knew  why no one else understood me, why people would angrily tell me to “shut it” or call me a freak but I eventually began to think there was something psychologically wrong with me. In time these experiences became lucid moments and eventually ceased, that was until I was around 12/13 years of age. When I met a very special child in spirit, this spirit visited daily and still continues to do so, the only difference being that now I understand why and it’s not all as maddening as it seems.

The child I met in a vision long ago was both a blessing and a curse. Despite being labelled psychotic and a freak by some others labelled me gifted special and a visionary. I attended my first spiritualist expo on my 18th birthday where I met hundreds of likeminded folk with similar gifts and I realised I wasn’t alone.

The child who’s gender I’m still unsure of continues to frequently visit me in visions and dreams and has recently began to show me places and things that I must see and do in my life! My little spirit baby – who for many years I nicknamed  “Blip”

In the past 18 months I’ve learned so much about my baby and recently learned the name of my “Blip”. In my dream I was taken to a Buddhist temple by Blip and shown a tree that made this crazy Bub happy and then I spent hours and days googling the significance of this tree it’s called a “Bodhi Tree” – my little Blips name is Bodhi.

Two different Clairvoyants, both of whom I have befriended, both have told me that Bodhi is going to have special needs and will be highly spiritually gifted, Bodhi is the first born of a few “enchantingly beautiful” spirit babies.

It’s truly a gift to meet your soulmate but to meet your babies years before they come down to earth is truly a miracle. This is just the first entry in a long line of musings and experience stories so watch this space 

I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me and my  spirit family it’s just so enlightening and the Cosmic Cradle is a place I can’t wait to explore it through my children and write about what it’s like growing up on the other side of the veil.

A good friend and clairvoyant once told me that Bodhi and my other babies in spirit have been sent to me from the universe to be my saving grace. Despite the traumas that I have endured during my very short time in this realm  so far  these enchantingly beautiful spirit babies will be the ones that can save me from hell and eternal darkness they will be my saving grace! ❀️

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