My heart breaks as I type the word ‘miscarriage’> I should be designing your nursery and shopping for toys and clothes – but instead I’m left alone in my head, plagued by grief. I keep hearing “it just takes time”, but how will time ever take away the pain of never experiencing life with you.
My darling son,
I don’t just grieve your loss, I grieve never having the chance to hear you speak, teach you to walk, show you the world and watch you grow. Everyday reveals something new I, as a mother will be missing out on. Knowing that I’ll never get to hear you shout “Mumma”.
In an instant my life was changed forever, (18.09.17) “No heartbeat” the words that will haunt me forever. I lay on the sonographers table with Mum and Cameron (my partner/your step daddy) by my side, the tears tumbled down my face, my body went limp as a tortured soul destroying scream escaped me- a sound that’ll scar me forever. My world was collapsing around me as Mum and Cameron pulled me into a tight embrace. I looked up at the screen, you were no longer moving, you passed away while sucking your thumb, that was the day you became an angel. With you went so much of me. You’ll always be my favourite “what if?” and I’ll forever wonder who you would’ve been.
On 20.09.17, my 20th birthday, I gave birth to you, my sleeping angel. That was the day I gave birth to death when I wanted life. I love you and miss you so much son, I miss you more than anyone will ever know. If I could hold you one last time I would and then I’d never let you go again. Grief is a hole that you walk around during the day but at night you fall. You were my hardest “goodbye” but because of you I believe in angels. Brax, I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save your life. Honestly, that’s the worst feeling in the universe, knowing that I did the best I could and it still wasn’t good enough. Someone said to me the other day, “there;s no greater pain than to bear a child” but I could only reply with “there’s no greater pain than to bury one”
You were sent to be my saving grace and only when you were gone did I truly realise this and now I truly believe you were sent to save me from myself. Losing you is the hardest story that I’ve ever told – no hope, smiles or happy endings just haunted by demons. While my friends babies are learning how to walk, I know you’re learning to fly. I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you about the universe , Son does the universe hold you tight and tell you about me? I don’t know what pain was worse – the shock of losing you, the brutality of giving birth to death or the heart wrenching agony of what will never be. I sit and cry for the ‘tomorrows’ that will never dawn. The universe holds you now instead of me. Giving you back was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I’ve realised it will be the longest walk ‘home’ when my time comes, for it is the time when you, my beloved baby ‘ran’ before me and for years I’ve been forced to walk alone with out you.
Following your return from the hospital I kept you close to me everynight, dreaming of the future we were meant to have, but those whimsical dreams are tainted by memories and flashbacks from your traumatic birth. Today my forest is dark, the trees are wilting and the butterflies have broken wings. I’ve come to realise that all my life I’ve saved everyone else when they needed it, but through all of this – who will save me? I know I’m not dead but I feel like I’m no longer alive either – like a ghost with a heartbeat. When I was a child I would never have imagined my life turning out like this – 20 years old, depressed, isolated, single and ultimately a “bereaved mother”
I met someone today son, he’s so amazing, like minded, crazy, intriguing – I want to get to know him more. I’m so taken by him- we’re so similar – he’s like the male version of me! Did you send him for me? However all I can think when I stare into his eyes is – Would he kiss my lips, knowing razors kissed my wrists?? I can’t help but cry when I envision the life we should have been living, I cry when I think about how amazing he is – compared to every guy I’ve dated. Where has he been all my life? As I look at him I see so much of myself – an amazing person who has been hurt, broken and troubled and someone who also changed his life for the better! Because of you son, I realised who I truly am and then I began to turn my life around, because of you I am now 1 year in remission from cutting and leaving my self destructive ways behind.
Love today, tomorrow and then forever
A piece of me died with you baby and as much as it hurts, I love walking down memory lane so I can run into you again, your song on this earth plane ended too soon but in the hearts of those who loved you, your melody will forever linger on
Holding your baby in your arms for the first, last and only time!
Fly high Baby Boy!