First Letter To My Unborn Baby

 

The moment I learned I was pregnant, was when it dawned on me that I was responsible for another life. That became the moment I gave up on my lifetime of bad decisions and terrible habits and I chose to spend the rest of my life putting someone else before myself!

 

 

To My Little Angel…

[08/08/2017 04.45 Hours]

It was a misty Tuesday morning in August and I lay in that hospital bed in the local Emergency Room – feeling like death, I had been admitted for suspected complications as a result of recurring tonsilitis that had plagued me all year. As i drifted in and out of a tormented sleep the doctor came in with an emotionless expression on her face and my patient file in her hand. I had only had blood drawn half an hour ago and results dont usually come back for at least 1-2 hours, My heart sank, “This cant be good” I thought as she closed the cubicle curtain, pulled the side rails on the bed up and sat down beside me. “Emily..” She began – my heart hammered – like it would rip my chest apart at any second. After all the injuries and illnesses I have overcome in my life was this finally the end?? Would I even be leaving the hospital today, and in one piece?

That doctor was about to drop the bombshell no one (not even myself) saw coming, the bombshell that would change my (and my whole family’s) life forever.

 

“… Did you know you’re pregnant?” – I sat in that hospital bed and for the first time in my life in total silence. So many things raced through my mind and so many questions I wanted to ask but the words wouldn’t come out. She continued to talk but my mind was in another universe altogether as I came to the conclusion that you’re life is more important than mine – and I’d go above and beyond to protect you. You are a part of me now and it’s us against the world. I was discharged sometime around  0730 hours – instead of  “infected tonsils/recurring tonsilitis” I was discharged with the diagnosis of “early teen pregnancy – high risk – maternal complex med. history”. I later learned I was 3 weeks 6 days pregnant. Crying from all the mixed emotions fear, excitement, shock and nerves hit me like a ton of bricks as I wandered out of the hospital and along the roadside in the misty rain.

In tears I shakily dialled my Mums number as I walked to the Botanical Gardens in the rain. she was shocked but very excited as were my two older sisters and my Dad. In the last few hours my world was turned upside down but this time for the better. You’re daddy is an abusive, violent, class A drug addict with rape, burglary and assault charges so he wont be involved in your life, however I met him 5 years ago, we became best friends and have been ever since he saved my life out at the military camp all those years ago he was 13 and i was almost 16. We aren’t together now but I have you – the memory of the young rebellious bad boy who saved my life (I had the bad ass rebel reputation too). I’ll be a single mum and I know that it wont be easy, but it doesn’t change my opinions or feelings towards you my little angel.Im now 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I love watching you grow at each ultrasound appointment and you’re just perfect. 2 weeks ago I saw your little heart beating and I fell in love all over again. Not everyday of this pregnancy is/will be easy but everyday brings me closer to holding you. I’ve been waiting for the last 7 years since I met you in spirit and everytime I saw you during those scans I’ve only fallen more and more in love with you! Because of you I’m staying clean from self harm forever – 11 months clean now and you’re my inspiration keep it that way forever!

Your Nana and Poppa are so excited and cant wait for your arrival neither can your uncles 8,10 and (18 step brother) (and your uncle Nick aged 25 who is estranged but I told him when I met him on the street and he was happy for me and is somewhat excited) and your aunties aged 29 (my half sister) and 23 (Step sister). But most of all I am counting down the days 214 days to go. I am dying to meet you, my miracle baby, sent from the cosmic cradle to be my saving grace. From the day I found out about you I just fall in love everyday. The butterflies your daddy used to give me have long gone but they turned into your little hands and feet. I never understood the meaning or purpose in my life until you came into mine, saved me and showed me how to live and love myself again – the two greatest gifts. As the sonographer tried to measure you, I lay there talking to you – you kept moving though and she couldn’t get exact measurements but she said you like listening to me talking to you! All this time I wondered – Can you understand me? Can you hear me my little angel?

 I left your father 6 days before I found out about you and even though I’ll be on my own raising you it’s best for everyone, just you and me it’s made me realise that it takes one special mumma to be a daddy too! You were certainly a surprise though you were never a mistake – your daddy was! You will be brought into this world as a result of an alluring mistake – when you’re mummy was just a young girl and you’re daddy couldn’t stay.

It’s just you and me against the world now kiddo!

Love Today, Tomorrow and then Forever

 

Mummy xox

 

Being a young mum means we met a little early, but it also means I get to love you a little longer. Some people said my life ended when I found out about you, But my life had only just begun – you didn’t take away from my future – you gave me a new one – and a reason to fight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Battle Within Myself

What screwed me up most in life was the picture in my head of how it was supposed to be. They say “Tomorrow will be a better day, never lose hope” but lately I’ve come to the conclusion that hope is dangerous – it can drive a man insane. The minute you think about giving up, think about why you held on for so long. But please, promise me if I can’t do it anymore let nobody think I gave in. I wrote the following poem a couple of months ago

“A Battle Within Myself”

Have you ever sat up at night to let your barrier down brick by brick? I sat in the silence, the darkness and I cried too many times. I let their words destroy me and let it all ultimately defeat me, made me think I was worthless. I let the burden of their words, of my thoughts get to me. I regret it. I’ve got the scars that remind me. I regret that I let my family and friends down while drowning in pain. All because I let my anxiety and their wretchedness get me, I let it control me, the pain, the pleasure. I was merciless at their hands – it makes me  cringe. The memories so overwhelm and overtake me sometimes. Though sometimes I unwillingly go back to the feelings that cause my blood to run cold. Sometimes I reminisce and hear voices saying “I’m not good enough”  and I eventually decided I’m probably not. It wasn’t fair I began to care and realised I have fought too hard against them and ultimately lost the battle within myself.

The photo attached is of my tattoo which I got as a tribute to my best friend Michael who I’ve known since the day I was born, committed suicide two and a half years ago – it’s his butterfly 🦋Ever since his death we’ve associated the monarch butterfly as a symbol of him in spirit. This was my first tattoo (I got it in December 2015) and a month later I went under the needle again and got the word ‘Courage’ tattooed under my butterfly.  This holds a lot of significance to me now. I’ve battled through numerous mental illnesses including two suicide attempts which have been the main reason for starting writing these blogs. Physical health problems ranging from rare disease Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, appendix surgery and chronic stomach erosion.

Courage it’s also part of the military motto. I’m the daughter of an ex soldier and I spent 4 and a half years in the military cadets – aspiring to follow in my fathers footsteps. But at 16 and a half I was permanently medically disqualified for service. Depression kicked in and my life was on the downward spiral. 

So I think the word and tattoo courage is so appropriate. I may have been weak enough to cut, give up or attempt suicide but I was strong enough to survive those days because it takes more courage to suffer than it does to die. But what is courage? Courage is being scared to death but saddling up to the challenge anyway.