I’m so good at the beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.

Perceived as the cancer of mental illness, BPD has been a huge burden on those I love, I don’t mind my illness killing me now, but it’s killing my family too! That’s what hurts

Dear Little E,

Oh what a month little one. I only wish I could’ve protected you from yet another heartbreak! Sophie left you almost  2 weeks ago now, cutting you off, no warning and no reason. You blame yourself and spent days in a cold, dark, lonely place – hell, self induced suffering – but you didn’t cut yourself! Such an achievement that despite the trauma you’re 8 months clean now. But now we are back to the way it started – strangers and that breaks my heart but at the same time I’m so proud of you for that. But it’s just so freaking hard to forget the one who gave you so much to remember, the one who saved you’re life.

You joined the dating scene yet again but you worry that your illness will drive everyone away all you can think is “Stay away from me its safer for both of us that way” and realizing that you’re so scared to get close to someone, to love again because you’re scared to get hurt again and you’re scared that just like all the ones before him that he’ll learn about you and just like all the others – he’ll walk away too! People tell me to be strong but they just don’t understand – I’ve already lost that battle. They don’t understand what it’s like to be tortured by their own mind.

Little E, you will meet your Prince Charming one day, he’ll come in and save you, show you the meaning of life again.  I know you’ll never believe it but you’re a champion ‘- you truly are. Every champion was once the contender who refused to give up. Whenever you feel like giving up little one think about all the people who would love to see you fall. I  look inside your soul and see how bad you want this. you want someone to love and you want be loved. You’re only broken because you believed you were the one that could change Sophie, but if someone truly loved you they would do anything and be anything you need.

For those who have fought for it, life has a flavour the protected will never know, Little one, you’re Daddy was a soldier and you’ve always been Daddy’s little girl, the reason he did what he did – for you. You thought what you and Sophie had was love, but you were her puppet and she pulled the strings. You’re the one who loves more that’s what causes all these problems. You wish you could hurt her the way she hurt you but You know that even if given the chance you couldn’t do it. That’s what happens you let people in and they ultimately destroy you in the end.

Everyone thinks they know you, but you’re the deadliest mystery they’ll ever know.

Emmy  xx

Everyone has a story that will break your heart

At 3am she lays on the floor, listening to her favourite band. Thinking of all the mistakes she’s made, she remembers all those who claimed they loved her and would never leave her, they all did and she blames herself for them leaving. She breaks down, tears tumbling down her face, she’s not as strong as she once was.