“We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain” – a quote so true
I often used to wonder how people became “addicted to self harm”, to hurting other people through themselves. I never understood it until it was me that had collapsed into an untidy heap on the floor, crying and screaming with the blade in my hand and blood everywhere ! After the first cut I was taunted by a lingering temptation after the second I was trapped in the vicious web. I didn’t realise I was addicted until I tried to stop.
I became seriously addicted to cutting in February this year when my life was seriously in the toilet, I have a bit of a past with self harm at primary school I didn’t have many friends and my only friend was 3-4 years older than me and was a self Harmer we both tried to break bones, in high school – my first year I realised I was confused about my gender, genderless but I went to an all girls catholic high school but was so was heavily in denial that I cut a few times nothing major though, its happened occasionally over the years since then but this year was so much worse – I’ve had more than 10 admissions to hospital and a night in crisis respite because of it! The most I’ve gone since that day was 26 days clean. It’s an addiction that will take over your life!
Self harm is one of the worst things I’ve ever done, it’s hurt not only me but everyone around me and I rue the day I picked up that blade and made the first slice.
Then I relapsed …
4 days ago I cut again, I am disgusted,ashamed and deeply saddened that I did that to myself after being 26 days clean! I became depressive and suicidal whilst at work. I saw some industrial grade craft knife blades in a box on the shelf near my bench and those familiar suicidal thoughts and the never ending dialogue of Mia filled my head. I slipped one of those sharp little blades into my pocket when no one was looking.
I felt like I’d been possessed by the thoughts and I’d lost what little control I had !! No one around me seemed to notice what I was doing. Moments later, I found myself In the bathroom as the adrenaline took over me as I repeatedly cut my thigh. Guilt and shame set in as the blood streamed down my leg. I ran back to my bench instantly regretting what I had done.
The next few hours were pure hell. My jeans were soaked with blood and I sunk into a depressive state. When my girlfriend came to pick me up I just felt revolting. I hate making her worried though. We arrived at the ER of the local hospital and I was still bleeding quite a bit. I climbed into a wheelchair and got triaged. Within 1/2 an hour a student nurse had me in a bed she asked me a heap of questions then proceeded to clean up the bloodied mess. Another nurse inspected the depth of my wounds and concluded that gluing and butterfly at stitching them is the best idea.
My girlfriend held my hand as wounds were glued and fixed up! Whilst waiting I passed out!!! When I was ok I was allowed to go. I’m now sat looking at the aftermath of what I’ve done to myself and realised I’ve once again succumbed to this brutally destructive addiction.
It’s 1am and everyone I love is sleeping and I’m breaking down again, it’s a brutal addiction and u realise I am both the victim and the abuser. This is reality for me now one cut was all it took for addiction to have me in its grip. It saddens me to catch my loved ones looking at my scars and they say that they’re ok.
I remember when I was young and I thought when I was a teenager I would be pretty successful and happier than ever and how I’d be up till 1am partying it’s kinda ironic really because little did I know that at 1am I would be sat here in emotional pain covered in scars, really depressed and fighting suicidal thoughts!