I’ve had many addictions . And they all came in different colours Blacked out, drunk.Crimson red flowing down my wrists and thighs, Dark blue clouded by depression,And who could forget the rainbow swirls of a borderline personality?But the worst of all? … Is when I see no colour at all. Not through the eyes of the unique individual I used to be. But the shell of that person now doped out and drugged up desperately trying to forget.
Dear Little E
I wish I was writing this letter to tell you that you changed your life, that you recovered but truth be told … you never truly do. There’s good days but there’s always a possibility of a relapse. Although today marks 2 months clean from cutting which is a huge victory in itself, the borderline personality disorder induced psychotic episode takes its toll on those who love you. The voices tell you that you’re mere existence is poisoning those you love, that you’re worthless and you should be alone forever, that it’s your fault your parents split up and so much more. The malicious faceless shadow people that seep from every corner and my whole body being filled with a nasty empty feeling that makes your body is rotting making you wish for your death.
That beautiful bubbly, blue eyed, perfect pale skinned confident little girl that you used to be changed. As I look in the mirror now at the age of 19 I see a depressed, bulimic genderless individual with scarred arms and thighs and sad tired eyes that hide a million secrets and lies.
I’m sitting here at 4am in so much emotional pain wondering where life is heading, bulimia physically and emotionally takes its toll on you as you realise you don’t really have control of anything in your life, the self harm urges are so strong that it hurts you to be near sharp objects because you know that any moment you could break and tear your skin apart, your self inflicted scars strip you of your confidence as borderline personality disorder renders you psychotic, constantly paranoid, in fear and stuck in a web of intense emotions that you find yourself depending on antidepressants and antipsychotics just to function . I realise that this is how life is now. That despite increased doses of various meds and counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist, psych nurse and doctors appointments that relapses are inevitable.
But there is one person who saved your life more times than you care to remember, one person who was always there to pick you up when you were down and picked up the pieces when a relapse had you so broken you couldn’t see a way out,that one person who stuck by you through the various counselling sessions, psychologist visits, psychiatrist assessments, crisis meetings and nights in the ER when you self harmed so badly you had to be stitched up or glued back together. That person also is transgender, a history of self harm and psychosis and she is my girlfriend Sophie! And to this very day she continues to support you and you two support each other.
Sophie came into my life and became your best friend. She saved you from a very dark suicide and still holds and cares for you when the psychotic episodes have you in it’s grip. Sophie is truly your guardian angel, best friend and soulmate.
So Little E, the answer to your question is fairly simple and I think it’s fair to say you never truly recovered but you found the one person who will love you through anything, the one who sees perfection in your flaws and the potential you have. Instead of recovery you found the life’s most special gift – your soul mate !!
Sophie I love you to death and I’m alive and today 2 months clean and I’m so much better off even though relapse happens. Love you to death baby girl and I’ll always be there for you.
Little E please stay strong. And because of her you have a reason to live and keep fighting and kick BPD’s butt!
Bye for now
At 4am you lay in bed listening to your favourite band reminiscing about all the things that you have done wrong. At 4am you think of all those who have left, all those who abandoned you, all those who turned their backs on you and you blame yourself for their actions, you blame yourself for them leaving. Again you start crying and are reminded by those scars that you’re not as strong as you once were and no one can ever truly understand such a brutal addiction unless they’ve suffered it too.