November 2017

I wanted to give you the world but you got the universe instead. I miss you so much that it hurts – like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Time goes on but it does not “get better” so what am I supposed to do now?

I thought I knew pain until the day the universe opened up and took you back. Our parting was like a stalemate, neither of us won and both of us lost something that should’ve lasted forever and worst of all the encapsulating feeling of the future that was torn apart. In a moment i lost everything, my entire world changed forever the day you gained your wings.

Everyday I remember my pregnancy, the days I spent singing to you, telling you stories and planning the rest of our lives. walking along the beach envisioning you as a cheeky toddler running ahead of me – and me in a panic chasing after you. The many things we would’ve experienced together. I dreamed about the life we should’ve had together, just me and you against the world. Son, do you know how much those moments, those visions meant to me? Only after you were gone did I understand how truly special those were, when they were all I had left – a vision of how it was meant to be

Every night I’m tormented, reliving the trauma of you leaving, held captive by memories and forever held at the mercy of the moment I learned you had gone. Every night I ask the universe why it had to be my baby. I remembered how my life looked before you came along, the poor choices, drugs, drinking, the life threatening decisions I made gambling my life away with drugs and dangerous boyfriends. I gave every bad habit up for you and when I finally got it right you were cruelly ripped away from me. That will haunt me forever, truly I believe the universe sent you to save me from myself, that was your life’s purpose! You taught me to love myself again and how to love someone else. I believe you paid the price for my selfish ways and to understand the consequences I had to lose you – the one thing that truly mattered to me. Did the universe take your life to save mine?

I once was a young girl who believed in fairytales, but somewhere along the way I was struck by the nightmare inducing reality, the demons consuming my very existence robbing me of my innocence, leaving me with the fear of never being able to love again! Son please help me find my soul family, help me to find myself again, help me find those who will love you as much as I do. Those scars are reminders of how many times I attempted to end my life, I often wonder could anybody kiss my lips when they learn why those razors kissed my wrists?

A million times I’ve needed you, a million times I’ve cried, if love alone could’ve saved you, you would’ve never had to die! It broke my heart to lose you but you didn’t go alone part of me went with you the day the universe took you home!

Look after your brother for me and fly high baby boy ❤️ love today tomorrow and forever, Mummy

May you always know my little ones you were wished for longed for and wanted. The death of a child is like losing your breath and never catching it again, it’s forever a panic attack, feeling your heart beating, your soul screaming for them and no matter how hard you try or what you do you continue to slowly lose your mind. Missing you isn’t the problem, it’s knowing that I’ll never hold you on this earth plane – that’s what’s killing me. I truly believe that there’s no stronger mother than the one who’s had to give her baby back to the universe.