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Musings of an Angels Mumma 🖤

Mummy to an Angel baby! 💚 A journey of soul searching and raising a baby in the cosmic cradle

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depression

Eighth Letter To My Childhood Self 🖤

Whenever you feel like giving up, think about all the people who would love to see you fall. Even the devil doesn’t know what to do with a woman like you, the woman who just refused to  give up!

 

Dear Little E,

What a month, so many things are going on – and to make it to the ninth month clean from cutting! You’ll never understand how much anger and self hatred you had to take a blade to your own skin and tear it apart! You wanted someone to notice, but as soon as they did notice – you wished they never had. Since then, every time you wanted to cut, you remember the promise you made to them. You acted like it was nothing – but truly ? It was slowly destroying you. 

4am knows all of your secrets darling, but with broken wings you’ll learn to fly again! I see this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is, sometimes I think I know her, sometimes I wish I did, There’s a heart wrenching story in her eyes, lullabies and goodbye, as she vacantly stares back at me, I can tell she’s hurting inside. Don’t ask me for my honesty Little E, cos it’ll have you in tears. You’ll survive though kiddo, because ya know I always did. It’s something you could never understand and I can’t explain.

I say I don’t want to tell you about it, I actually do – but I’m afraid of your reaction – that you’ll never see me as an equal again. I’m afraid of the pity in your eyes as you realize how screwed up I am. I don’t want to be this way I’m so lonely and lost because all I ever wanted was to be loved, what’s wrong with me? I just want to connect, why can’t i connect with people?

They all  promised you they’d never leave you, but where are they all now? He learned your secrets, the torture you once endured and the stories behind your cuts, scars, burns and flaws and then…. he walked away, just like all the others before him! 

Your Father always told you “Be with the man who enjoys your madness, not the idiot who’ll force you to be normal”. I met a guy about a month ago and he became a good mate to you . I’ve spent every Sunday evening with him, watching movies, cuddling and talking about everything from life’s triumphs to life’s pitfalls and everything in between. He showed you the meaning of life and taught you how to love yourself and live again, and the most heartbreaking part of this story? – he has absolutely no idea that he gave you that reason to fight – he saved your life. Last Sunday we were sat on his couch  and he traced the scars on my arms and thighs, and looked at me with those piercing eyes as he pulled me close to him “You’re so beautiful” I was taken by surprise – most guys see my hideous scars and walk away and he called me beautiful. “If ever you feel that way would you tell me?” I hung my head , a million thoughts raced through my mind. Tears filled my eyes as the eyeliner smeared down my face “what’s wrong?” he questioned “Because, I’d rather hurt myself, than anyone else”

It was then that I realized that he has seen me for the woman that I am, not my illness or imperfections.  I’ve always had a thing for the wildflowers, the bad boys I never believed anyone could truly love me. But It was then  that I realized he actually sees me for who I am and vice versa. I’ve come to the realization recently that anyone can make you smile or cry but it takes someone incredibly special to make you smile when you already have tears in your eyes. This is what he has done for you, .It’s been a rough month but you’ve pulled through, people shouldn’t love you for your perfection, they should love you for the fact that you’re not.

I can’t wait to see what the month ahead is going to bring for you! Mental illness may have stole my life, friends, education, motivation, sanity but worst of all it stole me, but not this time I entered the most brutal battle of my own mind and took back the control. Even though the darkened abyss of mental illness stole what should’ve been the best years of your life  you came to realize that you want your own heart breaking story to be an inspiration to others, you want someone to look at you and say “Because of you, I never gave up”. Someone once told me that the people who’ve had horrific pasts ending up creating the best futures.

 

All in all Little E, this months advice for you: I’ve come to understand that while I’m in the company of those who don’t understand me that I was not put here on this earth to fit in to this chaotic world, I’m here to create my own. I’m searching for the one who’ll join me in my crazy, chaotic world and live with my insanity. I am embarking on the most intense journey in this realm and I don’t want to wonder alone, I wonder who   your soul mate is? I always believed everyone in your life has a reason to be there, whether to be a lesson, a friend or part of your soul family.

Stay strong kiddo. The worlds a scary place but it’s you’re oyster now and all the opportunities that’ll come to you- you have so many people that love and want to support you.

All my love

Emmy 🦋

 

Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy, remember that. I don’t fight because I hate the situation in front of me, I fight because I love those who are behind me. No one loves the warrior until the enemy is at the gate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Battle Within Myself 


What screwed me up most in life was the picture in my head of how it was supposed to be. They say “Tomorrow will be a better day, never lose hope” but lately I’ve come to the conclusion that hope is dangerous – it can drive a man insane. The minute you think about giving up, think about why you held on for so long. But please, promise me if I can’t do it anymore let nobody think I gave in. I wrote the following poem a couple of months ago 

A Battle Within Myself”

Have you ever sat up at night to let your barrier down brick by brick? I sat in the silence, the darkness and I cried too many times. I let their words destroy me and let it all ultimately defeat me, made me think I was worthless. I let the burden of their words, of my thoughts get to me. I regret it. I’ve got the scars that remind me. I regret that I let my family and friends down while drowning in pain. All because I let my anxiety and their wretchedness get me, I let it control me, the pain, the pleasure. I was merciless at their hands – it makes me  cringe. The memories so overwhelm and overtake me sometimes. Though sometimes I unwillingly go back to the feelings that cause my blood to run cold. Sometimes I reminisce and hear voices saying “I’m not good enough”  and I eventually decided I’m probably not. It wasn’t fair I began to care and realised I have fought too hard against them and ultimately lost the battle within myself.


The photo attached is of my tattoo which I got as a tribute to my best friend Michael who I’ve known since the day I was born, committed suicide two and a half years ago – it’s his butterfly 🦋Ever since his death we’ve associated the monarch butterfly as a symbol of him in spirit. This was my first tattoo (I got it in December 2015) and a month later I went under the needle again and got the word ‘Courage’ tattooed under my butterfly.  This holds a lot of significance to me now. I’ve battled through numerous mental illnesses including two suicide attempts which have been the main reason for starting writing these blogs. Physical health problems ranging from rare disease Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, appendix surgery and chronic stomach erosion.

Courage it’s also part of the military motto. I’m the son of an ex soldier and I spent 4 years in the military cadets – aspiring to follow in my fathers footsteps. But at 16 and a half I was permanently medically disqualified for service. Depression kicked in and my life was on the downward spiral. 

So I think the word and tattoo courage is so appropriate. I may have been weak enough to cut, give up or attempt suicide but I was strong enough to survive those days because it takes more courage to suffer than it does to die. But what is courage? Courage is being scared to death but saddling up to the challenge anyway.

Nightmares of Lovers Past 💔

**TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ **

Mentions domestic violence, abuse, gang and rape!

Your eyes watch me from within my dreams. Haunting me mercilessly, melting my being. Your silhouette piercing the darkness as I close my eyes once again. I’m forced to remember the pain that’s driving me so insane. Now all the time I seem to lose control, I can’t tell reality from fantasy. Intoxicated by your lies that still wake me up in the dead of night. This so called love was lost before it begun. You, the torturer,the ghost haunting me, wounding me and torturing my broken soul. Now all I can say is hopefully my screams will wake you from your dreams.

Many years ago I was trapped in an abusive relationship. I was almost 16 and he was going on 19. I was young, I was naive and I believed that he loved me and that I could save him from this life. He was in a gang – but they abused him, threatened and beat him. He took his anger, frustration and pain out on me. He would smoke and drink excessively that he became violent – beating me black and blue, threatening to hurt or kill me/my family if I didn’t give him what he wanted (sex, money ect) or do as he asked, he would run up huge bills he couldn’t afford, rob houses/shops ect – he even raped me! Not only was he physically abusive but emotionally too – he made me feel inferior, useless and unattractive among other things. But like many victims of domestic violence I felt trapped, scared to leave or seek help. But at the same time I was convinced that he loved me and I hated the gang beatings and how they treated him. I hoped to hell someone would be a hero and save him, but watched as they all walked away.

To this day I know I’ll have nightmares forever as regrets still haunt my hollow head as I sit here and scream “who the hell gave you the right?”. I have one message for all of you who put your two cents worth in over the years – Don’t you dare tell me it’s easy to leave an abusive relationship when you’ve never been in one!  When I was with my now ex boyfriend I wrote this song for him it was pretty raw for me and expressed my emotion towards him. I was 15 when I wrote this and here it is:

” INNOCENT “

He picks up a knife he just wants to end his life. Everyday is a battle causing scars the way out seems so far. Nobody knows he’s abused and scared he lives each day in total fear. Everybody seems to stare, why can’t they see that something’s wrong? Maybe it’s been going on too long. Nobody saw the wrong he’s been suffering too long.

People think he’s strong so he just plays along. Scars curl round his wrists it’s a fucking gruesome twist, it’s worse than a voodoo spell and now he’d rather go to hell. He won’t let you see him cry or scream he’s just a one man team. Who gave them the right? Cos .. 

*Chorus: A million tears remain unseen with all the bullshit in between. They’re treating him like shit and nobody seems to care a bit. This has made him go insane I now know he’ll never be the same. He doesn’t wanna live anymore he’s been shaken to his core. He gets beaten till he’s destroyed he’s just an innocent young boy. His world is turned to black he’s innocent, innocent *

His morbid silence is the loudest scream they like violence as a team. A burning lighter on his shaking hand and nobody even gave a damn. The flames they burn his flesh the blood stains are all fresh. He never wanted this strife now his best friend is a knife. How did he manage to fuck up his life?

* Chorus *

He won’t admit that he’s in pain he wished someone would realise it’s all a game. Among all of his tears are his deepest darkest fears. I can see the “save me” in his eyes and I can feel the pain within his cries. What gives them the right? Why do they force him to fight? They bruise his skin with shattering blows beating him senseless not even he knows. What has he done tonight to deserve those black eyes?

He became a victim to their abuse now he has no excuse when he met a tortured girl who had those kind of scars as well he then realised he wasn’t alone anymore he found a reason to keep fighting for

*Chorus*

He stood outside her window on a dark rainy night. But he wasn’t alright the crashing gave me a fright . I had become his obsession when he put his knife in my possession because he is just 18 there’s only one place he wants to be.

We’ve seen him in a state he knows death is now a big mistake a family he will one day create. He will stand with his little boy and tell him it’s a weapon not a toy.

*Chorus*

Weapons are not a toy you’re an innocent young boy. It’s a weapon not a toy you stupid little boy 

Memories of his strife the images of the knife that almost took his life. Looking back through their dark morbid lives as memories fade into the night, behind their empty psychotic eyes.

*The end*

I’m now no longer ashamed of my story, I’m hoping it will inspire others to ultimately break the silence for once upon a time I was the one that loved him even after the cheatings and the beatings! 🖤💔

Dear Daddy …. **TRIGGERING**


Pic from September 2016 

Dear Daddy

This is  a victory that a year ago seemed impossible! Today is Friday 6th of January 2017 and today marks being 3 months clean from cutting. I am so sorry for all that I’ve put you through, the stress, the worry, nights in hospital/respite, the unknown. 

I know it’s not easy for you raising a teenage girl who suffers with major depressive disorder with psychotic features, anxiety disorder, severe self harm, suicidality,bulimia nervosa and borderline personality disorder. But despite all of that you’ve loved and supported me through it, daddy I see you looking at my scars, you don’t know how to approach it but you want to know you just don’t know how to ask,  you pretend like nothing’s wrong but please understand I was in a lot of pain and I never meant to hurt you!!

Sometimes when I tell you “I’m ok” you look me in the eyes and say “I know you’re not”. Daddy you’re my hero, my inspiration and the man I want to become. I hope to make you proud one day, to continue the legacy of that young troublesome sergeant that you once were. Your life story from the lonely abandoned child, to a troubled teen, you became a soldier in your teens and served in various regiments and deployments in 15 years. Somewhere in the mix having 5 kids aged between  7 and 28 and now you’re a single father raising me and two young boys (7&9 years). 

I feel terrible for the hell I have put you through of recent months especially my   suicide attempt December 12th (2016). I’m so sorry for that, the lies, the secrecy and not letting you in as mental illness stole me from you. You could only watch helplessly as I slowly went off the rails  yet You’ve given me the greatest gift of my life- you believed in me when everyone turned away. You are my inspiration to recover and when  I have my own babies I hope I’m at least half the parent you are,  the one they’ll be inspired by, and proud of. You’re my legend and my hero , I can’t wait to begin this journey of recovery with you by my side then eventually have my own wee family  then to carry on your legacy. 

I know I’ve left so many questions regarding the attempted suicide, recurrent extensive self harm and so on unanswered and because of you I’ll recover and one day have the courage to speak out. I can see the pain in your eyes as you look at me and my scarred body and the emotional scarring on your soul. I just hope you too recover.

You think that when I took that blade to my skin I’d be in a panic, crying, screaming, hyperventilating and uncontrollably sobbing. But it’s not always like that , when I feel my skin split in two and see my life’s essence leave my body is when I feel most calm.

Thanks for always being there for me, being my number one supporter and ultimately for loving me as your daughter.

I love you so much Daddy

Your baby girl 




You cut deeper in the hopes that just maybe you can reach the darkest depths of your startled soul or run your fingers along scarred skin that was once perfect and pure. And perhaps if you break your frail bones along the way and blame it on the past you realise the pattern of self destruction ruined your life and because of that it destroyed life as you knew it but worst of all it destroyed you. Only a few of you will understand because it’s a subject many people won’t, many won’t understand how much anger, how much self hatred one must have to take a blade to themselves and tear their own skin apart.

 

There is two songs that are so inspirational and hold such a sentimental meaning to me and they have played a rather large part in my recovery the first one is Lullaby ~ Nickelback and the other one is The Cutters Lullaby. A dear friend showed me these songs when I was younger and began self harming and became very suicidal. I never told anyone except her and she helped me through it by playing me lots of music to express her feelings and say the words she couldn’t. Below are the lyrics to the cutters lullaby, it’s a very powerful yet true message to anyone suffering with self harm and suicidal thoughts/ideation. As a young guy left physically scarred from extensive self harm and a survivor of two attempted suicide by overdose. It really sums up the feelings I’m experiencing lately.

Cutters Lullaby

Go to sleep and close your eyes

And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn

You know the pain that they’ve endured

Silver metal shine so bright

Scarlet blood that feels so right
Dream of that blood trickling down

And wake up just before you drown

The moonlight shining off your tears

As you bleed out your worst fears

So tonight when you start to cry

Whisper the cutters lullaby 

Hushabye baby you’re almost dead 

You don’t have a pulse and your pillows red

Your family hates you, yout friends let you bleed

Sleep tight with a knife, cause thats all you need

Rockabye baby, broken and scarred

You didn’t know life would be this hard

Time to end the pain you hid so well

And down you go baby 

Straight back to hell




But there was one thing I didn’t know is that one slice was all it took and my addiction took over!

“It” – A letter to myself!


I wish I could explain but I literally can’t. Have you ever had a secret that you couldn’t tell anyone? Well that’s what it’s like for me but it feels so much worse. You have no idea how tight I’m bound. – life with mental illness 

As I write this I already know it’s going to be jumbled up but it’s a combination of a bit of a bizarrely told story through a “letter” to myself from when I was in a very dark place, so friends if you’re still here please bear with me. 

Just so this letter makes a bit more sense, I spent a lot of time alone but this letter was one I found, written during a horrible time in my life. A time when my illness consumed me and I lost myself in every way possible because I was chasing a dream that would inevitably be shattered by the harsh reality that is known as life.

E,

Death is peaceful, easy, life is harder.But Is it possible that everything is true, the fairytales and the horror stories? Is it possible that there isn’t anything sane or normal at all? And now you have abandoned me, like everyone else. Who can I talk to – I’m so lost! When you disappeared and they all left you took my soul and sanity with you. But the absence of you is everywhere I look. It’s like someone has ripped my soul out of my body.  Hey but in a way I’m glad because the pain is my only reminder that I am real, that this life is…

After a while those small cuts became big cuts and it didn’t help anymore. So you start to find other ways to destroy yourself, like never sleeping, drinking too much alcohol and sleeping around as well as letting your friends slowly drift away. You just laugh and laugh when people ask if you’re ok because after a while you know nothing can save you anyway. It’s like you’re not dead but you’re not alive either – like a ghost with a beating heart. 

Depression is not beautiful and it’s certainly not romantic. Flowers don’t grow out of scars and kisses don’t heal unwell minds. When you feel like death is the only escape, but I’m telling you there are no roses and there’s no sunlight, it’s just a cold, dark, empty pain. You just can’t ignore them and “move on”, they linger within you, poisoning parts of your mind until you breakdown and scream because you just can’t take it anymore. You just can’t ignore them, these demons you live with are always there, you’ll just never be able to escape.

Then all of a sudden I changed, I came back a completely different person. With a new mindset, a new outlook and a broken soul. I was the guy who once cared too much about everyone and everything- I no longer cared at all. All I wanted was to inspire people. I wanted someone to look at me and say “because of you, I didn’t give up” but I guess that’s not going to happen now. I’ll tell you that I don’t want to talk about it but actually I do. But I’m afraid of your reaction, I’m afraid you’ll never see me as an equal again. I don’t want to be this way, I’m lonely, I’m so lost. I wrote this poem called Insanity when I was really unwell so here goes…

INSANITY” 

The colours fading on the walls nobody hears my screams or calls, it gets kinda lonely locked in a cell though the “invisible people” listen really well. Have I introduced you to the friends in my head? They helped me out when I wished myself dead. But I’m not allowed out alone anymore,  trapped in this hell who knows how long for. I try to escape but I always get caught, my life like a sharemarket sold and brought. Chained and tortured I’ve done so much wrong, the days so short the nights too long. Will you come and visit? I’ll try not to bite feeling like I’m down in a grave as high as a kite. Everyone picks fights or ignores what I say though I try to be human in every possible way. But somehow I’m a monster scary and vile that makes everyone around me run a mile. I’m a nervous wreck, tattered and torn. I collapse on the floor defeated, is it because of how I was treated ? I’m drowning in an ocean of my tears, can anyone hear me or don’t you care?

But you know  I’m not as strong as everyone seems to think I am and wanting to be alone is very different to being lonely. I have come to realise that nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many nights I spent crying in my room and nobody knew. Nobody knows how many times I feel like I’ve lost hope, how many times I’ve been let down. Nobody knows just how often I’m sat on the brink of an emotional breakdown, but I don’t, for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I’m sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody. Knows. Me. But at the same time I’m afraid that if you got to know me better you’ll see how broken I am and just like all the others you’ll walk away.

That’s all for now, stay strong 

Emmy

Mental illness stole my education, it stole  my friends, my motivation, my dreams, my future, my life

But worst of all it stole me.

How do you get that lonely? 


Loneliness, depression, isolation, self harm and suicidality are just some emotions I’m all too familiar with. Music has saved my life but one song in particular resonates with me and the lyrics below are from my favourite song by Blaine Larsen which is called  “How Do You Get That Lonely?” I’d highly recommend listening to it and the music video is just so moving.

The song holds so much significance to me, so much so that I re wrote my own version and as I post the lyrics I will also share my version – which so happens to be based on my life and suicide attempt. 

(The lyrics in bold are the original lyrics)
“How Do You Get That Lonely”

It was just another story printed on the second page

This is not your average story that makes the Facebook page 

Underneath the Tiger’s football score

An experience that rocked them to the core

It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age

She was just nineteen years old, should’ve been making memories at that age 

They found him face down on his bedroom floor

Instead she lay unresponsive on the hospital floor 

There’ll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
There was a meeting the next morning concerning placement in a residential home

Then out on Mooresville highway, they’ll lay him ‘neath a stone…

Within minutes of that meeting she was taken there by  mum…
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad

How did I become this lonely? What drove me to do that?

To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all

I impulsively made a choice that not having a life at all

Is better than the life that you had

Would be better than hell that I’m in

How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go

I just felt so lonely I chose to let everything go 

How do you get that lonely… and nobody know?

When did I become this lonely .. and how did not one of them know?

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?

Was it cos her Aunty had disowned her that she started stockpiling pills?

Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?

Was it a night of drugs and alcohol?

Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?

Is it cos her daddy never said “I truly love you Hun?”

Did no one see the writing on the wall?
I’m not blamin’ anybody, we all do the best we can

Did no one notice the warning signs? I’m can’t be blaming any of them they’ve tried as hard as they can

I know hindsight’s 20/20, but I still don’t understand…

The mind of a suicidal person is something nobody understands 
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad

When did I become so angry? That I started to see red

To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all

It’s not like I chose the road that not being alive at all

Is better than the life that you had

Would be better than the situation I’m in 

How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go

I just felt so revolting and impulsively just let go

How do you get that lonely… and nobody knows

How did I attempt suicide and not of them know?

It was just another story printed on the second page

It’s one of those suicide stories that never makes the Facebook page 

Underneath the Tiger’s football score…

It just shook them  to the core…

Depression and suicidality are such cruel punishments, there’s no fevers, rashes or blood tests to send people running in concern, just the slow erosion of yourself, as insidious as a lethal disease like cancer. But just like cancers it is essentially a solitary experience where your all alone fighting something that will inevitably kill you anyway, like a room in hell with only your name on its door. Yes there is a hell – believe me I’ve seen it. I’m just not me anymore. How  did I go from a happy go lucky kid to … this? So when I die don’t come to my funeral and cry – I’ve been dead inside for such a long time.

Dear everyone I love

I literally have zero motivation to save myself these days, this disease is like a cancer and it’s destroying me more than you’ll ever know and if it kills me tonight  please no I’m not scared of death, I’m ready to die

*Waking up … Alive*

 

I can’t say I’d ever  given much thought as to how I would die,  but I can’t bring myself to accept the actions and decisions that literally brought me face to face with death. It also brought me face to face with the biggest wake up call of my life.

When I was younger I never understood how someone could be so tortured that they’d self harm and become addicted to something so brutal- I never imagined it would be me that’d be scarred for life from brutal episodes of self harm. I never understood how someone could hate their body so much – I never imagined that it’d be me bingeing till I purged and be stuck in Mia’s brutal grasp. But worst of all I never understood the brutality behind mental illnesses that would drive the victim to attempt to end their life, I never imagined it would be me laying in a hospital bed at just 19 years of age fighting for my life after taking a major overdose on benzodiazepines/ 50mg lorazepam. I have written a couple of blog posts about that particular event so feel free to read them and follow my blog as I continue on my journey. However this post focuses on life after attempted suicide hence it’s title – “Waking up … Alive”.  In this post I’ll attempt to explain the emotion and isolation that a suicide survivor suffers when they wake up and learn they survived.

Attempted Suicide is a torturous subject for the victim, it’s a lonely, dark journey that one embarks on, you feel isolated and the roller coaster of emotions is the worst – the guilt that you have over what you’ve done to those you love is crippling, the shame is overwhelming, anger and sadness when you tried to end your life and wake up having to live with scars and emotional pain because you’re still on the planet that you tried so hard to escape. There are so many emotions attached to attempted suicide but the thing that broke my heart more than anything else was the sympathetic stare. People started talking to me differently- like I couldn’t handle life, they avoided certain conversations like the plague and when people talked to or looked at me they made me feel like I was a mentally ill person. They just treat you so differently than they have in the past and it’s the worst feeling ever. 

In terms of my mental health 2016 was quite literally the year from hell.  I developed bulimia at the start of the year when my relationship ended but wasn’t diagnosed till mid September, i overdosed on paracetamol but didn’t tell anyone, I started self harming again in February which lead to the diagnosis of major depressive disorder and my first round of anti depressants- “the escitelopram haze” self harm escalated which lead to multiple psych related hospitalisations and a night in crisis respite, they changed me to venlafaxine in April and I finally developed the courage to come out as gender fucked. Somewhere among all of it I met Sophie (previously Rob) a  transgirl who was my saving grace. Later in the year they concluded that I have borderline personality disorder and stress related hallucinations. Sophie and I had a huge fight in December which coupled with family drama and me  believing our relationship was through led me to  overdose with the intention of ending my life. I spent a whole week in crisis respite and I’m  lucky to be alive right now.

However it’s not all that it seems despite still being with Sophie my life has changed dramatically. I didn’t want to survive so I’m still bitter  about being alive. For many young people who attempt to end their life it is a cry for help, they don’t actually want to die.  

I did, but now I live with the repercussions of my actions and the bitter memories of that fateful day because for me waking up alive was the proof that nightmares are real and surviving what the doctor described as “the worst case of attempted suicide he’d ever seen” was the biggest wake up call of my life. I wasn’t scared of dying I was scared of surviving because I knew if I did I’d only be more messed up than I was before.

In the words of one of the songs that saved my life

“I’ve got pain, I’ve got scars that I will never show, I’m a survivor in more ways than you know”

– Warrior by Demi Lovato
I survived suicide and I hope to inspire others to overcome their difficulties and be warriors and unite as “Suicide survivors” so if you’re having a rough day place your hand over yor heart, can you feel that? It’s called purpose – you’re alive for a reason so never give up because you have the power to say this  is not how my story will end.

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